Closer

I saw the above image on Facebook yesterday and it really struck a chord with me. It's from Team Beachbody, so I know it has to do with fitness/health, but for me it made me think of the problems I've had with my back for the last three months. Three months, you guys. If you've been reading the blog, you'll know that I have a bulging disc in my back and it's taking forever to heal. I've run the gamut of symptoms from extreme pain in my back to pain and burning in my legs, muscle spasms, pins and needles in my legs and feet, you name it. When I went to see the doctor seven weeks ago, he told me it should heal 100% I'd just have to be patient. I've been patient, and now I'm just ready for life to return to normal.

But I can feel myself getting closer every day. I don't limp anymore and I've regained feeling in my right toes, although my left toes remain stubbornly semi-numb. I have a bit of pain in my upper thighs when I walk sometimes, but it's not bad. Shopping is an ordeal - that's usually when I end up in the most pain. My sciatic nerve seems to be fine now - I was having sharp pain down the outside of my right leg for several weeks whenever I walked or moved it a certain way and it doesn't do that anymore. I still haven't been able to take the bus anywhere, which really sucks. I'm afraid of jarring my back, and I'm also afraid of the pain in my legs and making it worse. 

I'm just ready to get out there and LIVE again. 

But I have learned quite a bit over the last almost 13 weeks. I've learned who my real friends are. I told my two best childhood friends - both of whom live in town - that I had hurt myself and that I couldn't really go out. Neither of them has bothered to ask how I am or offered to help me in any way. Another person has gone to doctor's appointments with me, seen me when I freeze up and can't walk because I'm in so much pain, and knows that I can't go out, but hasn't asked for progress updates or offered to do anything for me. It's seriously frustrating and it makes me angry too because I feel like there's no one I can really count on. My online friends, however, have been amazing. They've sympathized, asked how I'm doing, sent well-wishes and prayers. It's a bittersweet feeling - I'm so grateful to have them, but it also makes me sad that people who I've never even met care more about me than people I've known most of my life. If it weren't for them and for my mum, who has been an absolute godsend during this time, I'd have lost my mind ages ago.

This injury has also taught me not to take my health and mobility for granted. I've been a bit of a hermit the last few years - always working, rarely going out, very much a homebody, plus I hate taking the bus and that's pretty much my only mode of transportation - and I had gotten into the habit of sticking close to home. I didn't make much of an effort to go out other than to the library, to visit my Grama (my hermit status became worse after she died), and to grocery shop. There was nothing fun, new, or exciting to do, so I just stayed home. Now I'd give just about anything to be able to take the bus and go ANYWHERE. As soon as I'm better and able to ride the bus again, I'll be going out more often. I'll make my own fun, find my own adventures, and never ever forget the hell I've been through with this injury and how it's taken away my freedom.

I had also gotten lazy about my health in general. I need to lose a lot of weight and I've worked on it on and off for years, but I would get lazy about exercising or tired of eating healthy. I had gotten into a bit of a walking routine in the weeks before I hurt myself but that obviously ended the day the disc bulged and changed everything about the way I live. I haven't been able to exercise, but I have gotten in the habit or getting up and moving around often. I don't sit for long periods of time anymore, and as soon as I'm able to I'll get outside and start walking. I need to lose weight and build up strength in my legs and back so this hopefully never happens again. Any time I feel like being lazy I'll remember the pain, the loneliness, the monotony, and I'll get my ass in gear.

For now I have to focus on the progress I've made and hold onto the hope that I'll soon be 100% better. *I may not be there yet but I'm closer than yesterday.* This is going to be my new mantra until I'm better, and then it'll be my mantra for weight loss. It's not always easy to stay positive, but I'm getting it my best shot! 

    

 

Wordless Wednesday #5 - Peephole

I've seen different versions of Wordless Wednesday around the blogosphere for years and since I'm always saying I'll post more of my photography on this blog but then never do, I thought doing my own version of Wordless Wednesday would be good incentive.

Friends has been one of my favourite TV shows for as long as I can remember. This was inspired by the peephole frame in Monica's apartment. I've lived in the same apartment for almost seventeen years and this has been here for most of them!

    

A disappointing summer

I can't believe it's September already. The summer went so fast. I don't want to say this was the worst summer ever, because it wasn't - that title would be reserved for the summer of 1994 right after my dad died, and last summer after my grandmother died. Those were horrible summers. This summer was just...disappointing. Uneventful. Lame. 

I had high hopes for this summer. I wanted to go places and do things. Instead, I mainly stayed home, working, blogging, reading. No road trips, no adventures, nothing. I hardly saw any of my friends, and I didn't go anywhere except to the park one day, my Grama's grave on the anniversary of her death, and to see Magic Mike at the beginning of summer. That's it. I keep thinking 'that can't really be it', but it is. It seems even worse seeing it written down. 

It was pretty depressing. I don't want to sound like I'm having a pity party here, but it's my blog, and if I can't whine a little bit here, what's the point of having a blog? lol Seriously though, it makes me sad that everyone was too busy for me the entire summer. That's becoming a theme. Not only did I not see any of my friends, I hardly even spoke to them. I feel completely forgotten and unimportant. Sometimes I feel like I could take off and no one would even notice. 

It feels like this should be the time in my life when I'm out having fun, having a life, taking risks, having adventures, doing the occasional crazy thing. Instead I stay home and work because I have nothing else to do. I keep telling myself I'm getting ahead in my career and that's great, but my career doesn't comfort and hold me when the loneliness sets in. It doesn't reassure me that everything's going to be ok. I have this really intense fear that things will always be this way, but I try not to think about it because I worry it'll drive me crazy.

I don't like feeling this way. I don't like being stuck in a rut. Every day is the same - same four walls, same routine, same, same, same. I honestly don't know what to do about it. I can't wave a magic wand and make my friends care, or magically make new friends appear, or have my online friends - who are sometimes the only people who actually seem to care - live closer. All I can do is try to stay positive (I know that might be hard to imagine given the tone of this post), keep my chin up, and keep plugging away the way I've been doing. I really need a change, but I don't know what or how. I feel powerless because I honestly don't know how to change things. Something's gotta give.