Poor, Neglected Blog...

For the handful of people who actually read this blog and have been wondering...I'm still alive! It's been well over a month since my last post, but if you read my posts in February, you might remember that I hurt my back at the end of January.

I'm not exactly sure how it happened, but I was at the mall and all of a sudden I was in excruciating pain. I've dealt with back pain before and hoped it would go away on its own, but after a week and a half, when my leg and foot started to tingle and go numb, I knew it was time to have it checked out. The emergency room doctor told me it was a bulging disc in my back, and that it should eventually heal on its own. I'm not going to harp on it, but let me tell you: the last six weeks have been a nightmare. I've run the gamut of symptoms from unbelievable pain in my back, legs, and bum, to muscle spams to partial numbness in my feet and legs. I've spent a lot of time sleeping, reading, and watching TV, and my computer time has been limited (which is super fun, especially when I'm trying to edit my third book, keep up with my book blog, and do other work...my poor author blog has been as neglected as Lost and Found). 

I finally got in to see my family doctor yesterday (he was on holidays for a couple weeks, so I've been to both emerg and the clinic in the last six weeks). I've been slowly getting better and can notice a difference every day, but I still have some pain in my right leg and bum (typical symptoms), and I don't have full mobility in my right leg or full feeling in my ankles and toes. The doctor did some leg lifting tests, as well as reflex and strength tests and seemed pleased. He said I should recover 100% - I was so relieved I almost cried! 

I'm looking forward to putting this whole ordeal behind me. I miss living a normal life, but it's made me realize a few things. I'm the type of person who believes everything happens for a reason, and I think this happened to teach me a lesson. I need to take better care of myself - I need to lose weight, exercise more, have better posture, not try to carry so many heavy things, and pay attention to how I lift things. But more than that, I think, is that I need to really start living. I've mentioned before that I don't have much of a life - being a writer and working from home have led to me being a hermit, but I know now that I need to get out and do more. I need to not take time, my health, and my mobility for granted. I haven't been able to take the bus the last six weeks, so I've only been out a handful of times (half were doctor-related outings, the other half was grocery shopping). I haven't done anything really fun in six weeks because I couldn't. It's made me realize that when I'm able to, I will. I'll go out just because I can. So even though this last month and a half has been hell, it's taught me a lot. 2013 hasn't been great so far, but I haven't lost hope. I still believe it can turn around and be the epic year I was hoping for.

I don't have any new pictures to share because I've hardly touched my camera in the last six weeks (which is killing me, but since I haven't really been out, there are only so many things to photograph in my apartment!). I'm looking forward to nice weather (and, you know, full mobility lol) so I can get outside and start taking pictures.

     

 

Stuck in a Moment

This post is something I’ve been working away at and wasn’t actually sure I was going to post until I read this post and this post by Susannah Conway. I’m among the countless people who have been inspired by Susannah. Her honesty, her bravery, her ability to be vulnerable and truthful and accessible, have made me look deeper into my own heart and mind, explore my own vulnerabilities, and try to open up and share more. And although I can do that – and have finally started to do that – in a journal, it’s not quite the same as laying it all out there for the world to see and hopefully have people understand and relate, and to come to that amazing realization that you’re not alone. Whether you’re happy or miserable or indifferent to the world, blogging has created this incredible global community of like-minded people who are exploring their own selves and talking about their journeys. 

I've been dealing with some weird, uncomfortable feelings lately. Unhappiness and uncertainty...I wouldn't go so far as to say depression, because I've experienced actual depression and this isn't as bad. It's just...a lot of swirling, negative thoughts that I don't like and don't want.

Sometimes it’s really hard to read people’s blogs, or Facebook and Twitter feeds, and hear about their happy, shiny lives, because my life is so…well, not happy and shiny. My life isn’t what I thought it would be at this point, and seeing/hearing about people taking adventures I want to take, hanging out with friends when I hardly see my friends, going places I long to travel…weddings, babies, buying houses, going to parties, having happy, quiet moments with their loved ones...all of it is hard to swallow at times. I don't begrudge these people their happiness, and I'm happy for them, but it doesn't stop me from feeling envious or occasionally feeling sorry for myself because I don't have any of that, and I want it SO BAD.

Being a writer is a lonely life. I live inside my own head so much, and even though I enjoy my alone time, I also wish I had friends around. I’m insanely lucky to share an apartment with my mum, who’s also my best friend, but there’s a double generation gap between us (she was in her 40s when she had me) and as much as I adore spending time with her, sometimes I just want a girlfriend my own age who I can go out with. I want to go dancing and go shopping and go on road trips and be silly and take a million pictures and stop worrying about all the things I need to do.

I know I’m incredibly blessed. I have a family I love, two precious nephews and a niece on the way, I have traveled even though I desperately want to do and see so much more. My lifelong dream was to be a published author, and I’m about to publish my third book. I know how lucky I am to be living my dream - not many people can say that. I love my job, I love what I do, I love getting to create worlds and people and situations, and I love that I get to entertain people, and hopefully touch them. I wouldn’t trade that for the world, but…I want more. And I don’t think it’s selfish or greedy to want more. I’m getting the career aspect of my life under control, now I want the personal aspect. I want friends and a man in my life. I want to feel that crazy, passionate, all-consuming love, and I want to be the centre of someone's universe. I don’t want to be lonely anymore. I’m tired of that almost desperate feeling I get where I just want someone to do something with. I want to leave these four walls and see what’s out there in the rest of the world, and really live. 

One of my best online friends and I have talked about the fact that we wasted a lot of our 20s. I know your 20s are a time of self-discovery and figuring things out, but it took me a really long time to figure stuff out, and I don’t really feel like I have a whole lot to show for my 20s. Mind you, it’s not like it was 10-20+ years ago, where life seemed to end at 30, and if you were alone you were clearly a spinster for life and you had to settle down in your spinsterhood and be a boring old dud. Now it seems like life begins for a lot of people at 30, or even 40 and beyond for many people. That thought gives me hope.

For the last year and a half, I feel like I’ve done nothing but work. I’ve taken a few days off here and there, but it’s mostly been work. It’s me sitting right here day after day, same routine, same view, same panicky feeling of trying to get everything done but only ever adding to my to-do list instead of diminishing it. I feel like there’s so much to do that I can’t stop. But it’s completely neurotic because among the stuff I feel I have to do is really just stuff I tell myself needs to be done. I have three blogs - now, who in their right mind has three blogs, I ask you? It’s insanity! But they’re for different purposes - I have a book blog, in which I review books, have bookish discussions, and host authors; an author blog because I’m an author and I feel like people might be interested in that process and my books; and this little blog that isn’t reading-and-writing-related, but is just about my so-called life. I also try to keep up with social media, make friends and connections online, visit other blogs (book blogs, writing blogs, and personal blogs), design graphics for my books and websites, and then there’s the procrastination like Pinterest, YouTube, etc. And then of course, there’s my actual job, which is writing books, articles, and stories, editing them, revising them, marketing them. It’s a never-ending job.

However…with all the being said…I feel like a bit of a broken record here, because I’ve mentioned this several times in the last few weeks, but I really do believe that 2013 is going to be my year. When I push aside the negativity and other bad stuff, I feel hopeful in a way I haven’t felt in a really long time. I’m ready for change, and I’m going to embrace it. I’m going to open myself up to good things - new people, new places, new adventures. I’m going to try  to take a step back and not put so much pressure on myself when it comes to work. I’m going to live more in the real world and not so much online or in my own head.

I can’t wait to be able to share fun posts and not just depressing ones (like this one). I want to be one of those people with a happy, shiny life. As I said before, I don’t begrudge them their happiness, it’s just hard sometimes when I barely remember what it’s even like to be happy. But it’s going to happen…I believe that…I have to believe that, for my own sanity.

    

Out of control

My entire life feels like it’s out of my control right now. I feel like I have absolutely no say in anything that happens, and I hate feeling powerless. I’ve been feeling really down lately, and so irritable. The least little thing sets me off, and I hate being that person. I don’t want to be that person.

I guess I got a bit spoiled working from home and being on my own schedule. I could get up when I wanted, work when and for however long I wanted, eat whenever I wanted. Now I have no say in any of those things. I love having Logan here, but six days a week and different hours every day is exhausting and leaves me very little time to do my own stuff. And I have a lot of stuff to do. It’s frustrating.

Then I have friends who basically want nothing to do with me except when it suits them. I won’t hear from them for ages until they need me for something or all of a sudden remember me and want to do something as long as it’s what they want, when they want. Since when is that how friendship works? You can’t ignore me all summer, say you’re too busy doing other stuff, and then expect me to drop everything when you have nothing better to do and suddenly want to hang out. And of course it’s those same friends who have tons of time for their other friends but no time for me. Did I miss something and we’re suddenly back in high school? You kind of expect people to be all over the place in high school, but we’re adults now - it’s time to grow up.

I’m tired of being used and overlooked and ignored, and I’m tired of putting my life on hold for other people. 

*****

I wrote that last night, and shortly afterward I was talking to my mum and she said she's afraid I'm getting really bitter and cynical...and as you can see, that's kind of true. Like I said, I don't want to be that person. I hate that everything that's going on is affecting every aspect of my life. I need to take control back, but I just don't know how....yet.

I'm feeling a bit better today. Even though I was aware of how all this stuff was affecting my mood, I think in a weird way it helped to hear someone else say it. I was aware of it, but to know it's not going unnoticed, especially by the only person who's always there for me...it's upsetting. An eye opener. I've always been strong, and now I need to draw on that strength and try to make the best of things, even when it feels like everything is going against me.

*Takes a deep breath*...I'm going to try. Hopefully soon I'll have a happy post to share instead of all this angsty crap. ;-)