Poor, Neglected Blog...

For the handful of people who actually read this blog and have been wondering...I'm still alive! It's been well over a month since my last post, but if you read my posts in February, you might remember that I hurt my back at the end of January.

I'm not exactly sure how it happened, but I was at the mall and all of a sudden I was in excruciating pain. I've dealt with back pain before and hoped it would go away on its own, but after a week and a half, when my leg and foot started to tingle and go numb, I knew it was time to have it checked out. The emergency room doctor told me it was a bulging disc in my back, and that it should eventually heal on its own. I'm not going to harp on it, but let me tell you: the last six weeks have been a nightmare. I've run the gamut of symptoms from unbelievable pain in my back, legs, and bum, to muscle spams to partial numbness in my feet and legs. I've spent a lot of time sleeping, reading, and watching TV, and my computer time has been limited (which is super fun, especially when I'm trying to edit my third book, keep up with my book blog, and do other work...my poor author blog has been as neglected as Lost and Found). 

I finally got in to see my family doctor yesterday (he was on holidays for a couple weeks, so I've been to both emerg and the clinic in the last six weeks). I've been slowly getting better and can notice a difference every day, but I still have some pain in my right leg and bum (typical symptoms), and I don't have full mobility in my right leg or full feeling in my ankles and toes. The doctor did some leg lifting tests, as well as reflex and strength tests and seemed pleased. He said I should recover 100% - I was so relieved I almost cried! 

I'm looking forward to putting this whole ordeal behind me. I miss living a normal life, but it's made me realize a few things. I'm the type of person who believes everything happens for a reason, and I think this happened to teach me a lesson. I need to take better care of myself - I need to lose weight, exercise more, have better posture, not try to carry so many heavy things, and pay attention to how I lift things. But more than that, I think, is that I need to really start living. I've mentioned before that I don't have much of a life - being a writer and working from home have led to me being a hermit, but I know now that I need to get out and do more. I need to not take time, my health, and my mobility for granted. I haven't been able to take the bus the last six weeks, so I've only been out a handful of times (half were doctor-related outings, the other half was grocery shopping). I haven't done anything really fun in six weeks because I couldn't. It's made me realize that when I'm able to, I will. I'll go out just because I can. So even though this last month and a half has been hell, it's taught me a lot. 2013 hasn't been great so far, but I haven't lost hope. I still believe it can turn around and be the epic year I was hoping for.

I don't have any new pictures to share because I've hardly touched my camera in the last six weeks (which is killing me, but since I haven't really been out, there are only so many things to photograph in my apartment!). I'm looking forward to nice weather (and, you know, full mobility lol) so I can get outside and start taking pictures.

     

 

Stuck in a Moment

This post is something I’ve been working away at and wasn’t actually sure I was going to post until I read this post and this post by Susannah Conway. I’m among the countless people who have been inspired by Susannah. Her honesty, her bravery, her ability to be vulnerable and truthful and accessible, have made me look deeper into my own heart and mind, explore my own vulnerabilities, and try to open up and share more. And although I can do that – and have finally started to do that – in a journal, it’s not quite the same as laying it all out there for the world to see and hopefully have people understand and relate, and to come to that amazing realization that you’re not alone. Whether you’re happy or miserable or indifferent to the world, blogging has created this incredible global community of like-minded people who are exploring their own selves and talking about their journeys. 

I've been dealing with some weird, uncomfortable feelings lately. Unhappiness and uncertainty...I wouldn't go so far as to say depression, because I've experienced actual depression and this isn't as bad. It's just...a lot of swirling, negative thoughts that I don't like and don't want.

Sometimes it’s really hard to read people’s blogs, or Facebook and Twitter feeds, and hear about their happy, shiny lives, because my life is so…well, not happy and shiny. My life isn’t what I thought it would be at this point, and seeing/hearing about people taking adventures I want to take, hanging out with friends when I hardly see my friends, going places I long to travel…weddings, babies, buying houses, going to parties, having happy, quiet moments with their loved ones...all of it is hard to swallow at times. I don't begrudge these people their happiness, and I'm happy for them, but it doesn't stop me from feeling envious or occasionally feeling sorry for myself because I don't have any of that, and I want it SO BAD.

Being a writer is a lonely life. I live inside my own head so much, and even though I enjoy my alone time, I also wish I had friends around. I’m insanely lucky to share an apartment with my mum, who’s also my best friend, but there’s a double generation gap between us (she was in her 40s when she had me) and as much as I adore spending time with her, sometimes I just want a girlfriend my own age who I can go out with. I want to go dancing and go shopping and go on road trips and be silly and take a million pictures and stop worrying about all the things I need to do.

I know I’m incredibly blessed. I have a family I love, two precious nephews and a niece on the way, I have traveled even though I desperately want to do and see so much more. My lifelong dream was to be a published author, and I’m about to publish my third book. I know how lucky I am to be living my dream - not many people can say that. I love my job, I love what I do, I love getting to create worlds and people and situations, and I love that I get to entertain people, and hopefully touch them. I wouldn’t trade that for the world, but…I want more. And I don’t think it’s selfish or greedy to want more. I’m getting the career aspect of my life under control, now I want the personal aspect. I want friends and a man in my life. I want to feel that crazy, passionate, all-consuming love, and I want to be the centre of someone's universe. I don’t want to be lonely anymore. I’m tired of that almost desperate feeling I get where I just want someone to do something with. I want to leave these four walls and see what’s out there in the rest of the world, and really live. 

One of my best online friends and I have talked about the fact that we wasted a lot of our 20s. I know your 20s are a time of self-discovery and figuring things out, but it took me a really long time to figure stuff out, and I don’t really feel like I have a whole lot to show for my 20s. Mind you, it’s not like it was 10-20+ years ago, where life seemed to end at 30, and if you were alone you were clearly a spinster for life and you had to settle down in your spinsterhood and be a boring old dud. Now it seems like life begins for a lot of people at 30, or even 40 and beyond for many people. That thought gives me hope.

For the last year and a half, I feel like I’ve done nothing but work. I’ve taken a few days off here and there, but it’s mostly been work. It’s me sitting right here day after day, same routine, same view, same panicky feeling of trying to get everything done but only ever adding to my to-do list instead of diminishing it. I feel like there’s so much to do that I can’t stop. But it’s completely neurotic because among the stuff I feel I have to do is really just stuff I tell myself needs to be done. I have three blogs - now, who in their right mind has three blogs, I ask you? It’s insanity! But they’re for different purposes - I have a book blog, in which I review books, have bookish discussions, and host authors; an author blog because I’m an author and I feel like people might be interested in that process and my books; and this little blog that isn’t reading-and-writing-related, but is just about my so-called life. I also try to keep up with social media, make friends and connections online, visit other blogs (book blogs, writing blogs, and personal blogs), design graphics for my books and websites, and then there’s the procrastination like Pinterest, YouTube, etc. And then of course, there’s my actual job, which is writing books, articles, and stories, editing them, revising them, marketing them. It’s a never-ending job.

However…with all the being said…I feel like a bit of a broken record here, because I’ve mentioned this several times in the last few weeks, but I really do believe that 2013 is going to be my year. When I push aside the negativity and other bad stuff, I feel hopeful in a way I haven’t felt in a really long time. I’m ready for change, and I’m going to embrace it. I’m going to open myself up to good things - new people, new places, new adventures. I’m going to try  to take a step back and not put so much pressure on myself when it comes to work. I’m going to live more in the real world and not so much online or in my own head.

I can’t wait to be able to share fun posts and not just depressing ones (like this one). I want to be one of those people with a happy, shiny life. As I said before, I don’t begrudge them their happiness, it’s just hard sometimes when I barely remember what it’s even like to be happy. But it’s going to happen…I believe that…I have to believe that, for my own sanity.

    

Happy stuff, excitement, and a meltdown

It seems like I usually use this blog to talk about the stuff that's bothering me. Today I actually have something I'm happy and excited about: my second novel, The Game Changer. It comes out three weeks from today. It feels like I've been working on this book forever. I started it right after the release of Blue Sky Days, and it took me several months to write because I had so much else going on in my life. When I finished writing it, I set it aside rather than starting revisions right away, and I ended up writing my third book in the meantime. When book #3 was done, I started revisions on The Game Changer, sent it out to beta readers, and long story short, here I am, three weeks before publication. 

I posted the very first excerpt of the book on Ramblings of a Daydreamer today. It was exciting and nerve-wracking to share a little piece of the book. All morning I've had butterflies and barfy feelings lol. I also have a giveaway up and a request for people to help me spread the word about the book, since I haven't done much to promote it. If you'd like to read the excerpt and help me spread the word in exchange for a chance to win an awesome new book of your choice, head on over to Ramblings of a Daydreamer. 

I just finished revisions for the book last night, and I'm not even technically done because I need one more set of eyes to read over it, and that set of eyes is very busy this week. It's stressing me out, because the longer it takes her, the longer I have to push back formatting and sending the book out to reviewers. But...for right now I have a little reprieve. I actually don't know what to do with myself today. My sister-in-law has been sick the last few days, so I unexpectedly had today and yesterday off from babysitting duty. Goodness knows I have  a ton of stuff to do - my apartment is a mess, I have books lying all over my room because I need to organize my shelves, I need to catch up on blogging, reading, and writing articles for the site I freelance with....but right now I'm just enjoying a little quiet time.

So now we come to the meltdown part of the blog title. Just before writing this post, I realized I hadn't written the acknowledgements for The Game Changer. When I wrote Blue Sky Days, I thanked practically everyone I'd ever known, but this time it's just going to be people who had something to do with The Game Changer. I started writing and got a little teary, as I always do...I'm a sentimental sort...and then I got to the part where I wanted to thank my Grama (who's been gone for over a year now, and who I talked about quite a bit when I started Lost and Found), and I had a full-on meltdown. I went from a little trickle of tears to hysterical crying, and I couldn't stop. I miss her like crazy, and sometimes it hits me all over again that she's gone, but I think it was more than that. I think it was just everything that's happened in the last few months while I've been trying to be so strong and it all just caught up to me in a moment of weakness. I'm actually kind of sitting here laughing about it now, which probably means I've lost my mind. It feels better to get it all out, and it also feels really nice to have a break, however short, before the chaos starts up again.

 

  

Living in the moment

Yesterday on her blog Susannah Conway had a post about living in the right now. She suggested we be more mindful of where we are, and she encouraged us to take a picture of the moment we were in. 

Living in the moment is a concept I have a bit of trouble with. I'm not one of those people who thinks she'll be happier *when*...when I have a boyfriend or when I make more money or when I can travel. I may be a daydreamer but I'm also a realist and I've seen too many people fall into that trap, and they're never happy, even when their *when* comes to fruition. I'm content with what I have, and I know I'm blessed. I do get bogged down though, and for awhile now I've felt like I was stuck in a rut. It feels like all I do is work and when I'm not working, I'm thinking about work. As a writer, there's no 9-5 Monday-Friday. It's more like 8-14 hours a day sometimes seven days a week. 

I just finished writing my third novel, so now my mind is constantly whirring with thoughts of having to revise and edit not just book 2 but also book 3. I have to deal with beta readers and editors and proofreaders and get reviewers. I have to think about cover design and formatting and promoting. Besides that I have a book blog, my author blog, and this blog. I read a lot for the book blog, and for pleasure since reading keeps me sane. But that's my life. That's pretty much it. I go out once in awhile. My big, exciting weekly trip is to the library. I'm always multitasking and it's exhausting. I keep thinking 'if I could just get caught up, I could relax' but I never seem to get caught up. 

I need a break. I want to travel so bad that sometimes it's like a physical ache. I just want to GO. I want to do and see and be. But it's not possible right now, so I need to learn to live in the moment - enjoy each one - and not try to do so much that I completely lose my mind.

So this is my 'in the moment' picture from yesterday. I'm actually kind of embarrassed to post it, but the truth is my desk usually looks worse than this! I wanted to clear it off before taking the picture but then I realized that's not a real, true representation of my daily life. I'm an artist - I'm crazy and I'm messy and my life is chaotic. And that's ok.  I'm living my dream. How many people can say that?

 

Update

Eeep, I can't believe July 3rd was my last update!

Things have been crazy this month, so Lost and Fall has sort of fallen by the wayside. I'm planning to participate in Susannah Conway's August Break to get back in the swing of things, though. I've hardly touched my camera all month (*gasp*), so I'm looking forward to looking at life through the lens of my old Canon again in August. I've really missed photography and graphic design.

So, what's been keeping me so busy? Well, on July 4th I started writing my third novel, and I wrote like hell every single day, and ended up finishing the first draft in exactly three weeks. I'm still kind of shocked and speechless over that fact. That's obviously taken up a huge chunk of time for me. I've also been hosting a Canadian Reading Challenge and Canadian Spotlight Month on my book blog, and I've had a post every single day which has also taken a lot of time in planning, organizing, trying to make my posts look nice, plus promoting the event. I have nine giveaways up right now for anyone who's interested - eight of them end July 31st, and the ninth ends August 4th. Go on over and enter and maybe you'll win a new book to add to your summer reading list!

That's basically been my entire month - writing, reading, and blogging. I haven't been anywhere, I've hardly seen anyone, and I haven't done much of anything except two trips to the movies to see Magic Mike (yes, I went twice!). Kind of a lame summer, but I keep trying to tell myself it's worth it because I'm getting ahead in my career, and once my next book is published I can take a bit of a break. Maybe. *laughs* I'd give anything for a road trip right now, though!

How has your summer been so far?

Exciting news

Normally I would post this on my author blog (and I will eventually), but since it's leading to something personal, I'm posting it here first.

Yesterday evening, I finished writing my second book. And by second book I don't mean the second book I've ever written - this is probably my fourth or fifth - I mean the second book I intend to have published. My first novel, Blue Sky Days, was contemporary YA romance/coming-of-age, and this one is women's fiction/chick lit. 

I started writing this book on January 19th, two days after Blue Sky Days was officially published. I had another story idea in mind that I planned to go with, but I got this idea and after scribbling a dozen pages of notes, I knew I had to go with it while I had the momentum. I hoped to have it done within a couple of months, but then I started watching Logan every day, and I had to cut my writing time back. There have been so many distractions and setbacks, I was honestly beginning to think I'd never finish writing it. I know five months isn't really a long time, especially for writing a novel, but it felt so much longer than that. 

Anyway, I forced myself to sit and write yesterday, and after writing about 5,700 words (possibly a personal record), I finished the book. I was so excited, I was practically hyperventilating. I'm so used to feeling numb most of the time that the excitement was almost overwhelming. It was completely foreign, but it was also amazing. 

The final word count was 103,971 words, which absolutely floored me. I kept track as I went so I'd know my daily count, but I never in a million years thought I'd be able to write a book that was that long. Blue Sky Days was about 84,000 words I think, and a huge chunk of that was written during revisions.

The first thing I did when I finished writing was run out to tell my mum. She knew I was close, so she'd been waiting most of the afternoon with bated breath for me to come tell her I was done. My next instinct was to tell my Grama...even after all these months, she's still in the forefront of my mind. I looked at Mum and knew she was thinking the same thing, especially when her eyes filled with tears. 

It was a really bittersweet moment - finally finishing my book, and knowing how incredibly proud she would be, but not getting to tell her. Next to my mum, Grama was my biggest supporter and biggest fan. She was always asking me about my writing, wanting to know how it was going and what I was working on. Even in the hospital the days before she died, she wanted to hear all about how Blue Sky Days was coming. My one and only regret when it comes to her is that she didn't get to read it. That grieves me immensely, and I'm afraid it'll haunt me for the rest of my life.

My next step was to email my cousin, who's been a big support, and who was also a beta reader for Blue Sky Days, as well as the book of short erotic stories I'll be publishing in the next few weeks. Next, I messaged a childhood friend who I reconnected with a few years ago, and told her. Her excitement and encouragement and support made my heart burst with happiness. Finally, I messaged a friend on the west coast who I met at a U2 concert last July, and who I've been in touch with almost every day since. I was so touched by their excitement and how proud they were of me. It made the moment that much more special and memorable. 

Now comes the long and exhausting process of revising and editing, which I have a love/hate relationship with. For more on that, keep an eye on my author blog and also my book blog (yes, I have three blogs...there's nothing like confusing people). I'm drawing a blank on cover design, but hopefully I'll get that straightened out soon and be able to do a cover reveal - stay tuned!