Wordless Wednesday #4 - Logan's 3rd Birthday

I've seen different versions of Wordless Wednesday around the blogosphere for years and since I'm always saying I'll post more of my photography on this blog but then never do, I thought doing my own version of Wordless Wednesday would be good incentive.

    

Weekend Update #2: February 2nd-3rd

Weekend Update is hosted by Sami's Shenanigans and Join the Gossip

Last week I was out shopping and I did something to my back (best I can figure is pinched nerve) that left me almost unable to walk. I spent four days shuffling around like an old lady, crying out in pain every time I moved even a little bit. Saturday was a pretty quiet day - I basically just read and watched TV. Sunday was my youngest nephew Logan's 3rd birthday party and I was afraid I was going to miss it, but luckily the pain had gone from excruciating to manageable, and I was able to go (I'm back to my hobbling old lady walk again today - go figure). 

Logan is the best little kid in the entire world. He's got the greatest personality, and he's just such a happy little soul. He's so much fun to be around, and he can turn the worst day ever into the best day of your life just by giving you his mega-watt smile. 

So that was my exciting weekend...a lot of sitting around, and then a three-year-old's party where there were almost a dozen kids ranging in age from 3 to 14 (mostly cousins). It was a lot of fun, and it was nice to get out after a few days of being cooped up without being able to do much. Today is Logan's actual birthday, and he'll be coming over in a little while to visit.

How was your weekend? What did you do? Tell me in the comments or link me up to your Weekend Update post!

Stuck in a Moment

This post is something I’ve been working away at and wasn’t actually sure I was going to post until I read this post and this post by Susannah Conway. I’m among the countless people who have been inspired by Susannah. Her honesty, her bravery, her ability to be vulnerable and truthful and accessible, have made me look deeper into my own heart and mind, explore my own vulnerabilities, and try to open up and share more. And although I can do that – and have finally started to do that – in a journal, it’s not quite the same as laying it all out there for the world to see and hopefully have people understand and relate, and to come to that amazing realization that you’re not alone. Whether you’re happy or miserable or indifferent to the world, blogging has created this incredible global community of like-minded people who are exploring their own selves and talking about their journeys. 

I've been dealing with some weird, uncomfortable feelings lately. Unhappiness and uncertainty...I wouldn't go so far as to say depression, because I've experienced actual depression and this isn't as bad. It's just...a lot of swirling, negative thoughts that I don't like and don't want.

Sometimes it’s really hard to read people’s blogs, or Facebook and Twitter feeds, and hear about their happy, shiny lives, because my life is so…well, not happy and shiny. My life isn’t what I thought it would be at this point, and seeing/hearing about people taking adventures I want to take, hanging out with friends when I hardly see my friends, going places I long to travel…weddings, babies, buying houses, going to parties, having happy, quiet moments with their loved ones...all of it is hard to swallow at times. I don't begrudge these people their happiness, and I'm happy for them, but it doesn't stop me from feeling envious or occasionally feeling sorry for myself because I don't have any of that, and I want it SO BAD.

Being a writer is a lonely life. I live inside my own head so much, and even though I enjoy my alone time, I also wish I had friends around. I’m insanely lucky to share an apartment with my mum, who’s also my best friend, but there’s a double generation gap between us (she was in her 40s when she had me) and as much as I adore spending time with her, sometimes I just want a girlfriend my own age who I can go out with. I want to go dancing and go shopping and go on road trips and be silly and take a million pictures and stop worrying about all the things I need to do.

I know I’m incredibly blessed. I have a family I love, two precious nephews and a niece on the way, I have traveled even though I desperately want to do and see so much more. My lifelong dream was to be a published author, and I’m about to publish my third book. I know how lucky I am to be living my dream - not many people can say that. I love my job, I love what I do, I love getting to create worlds and people and situations, and I love that I get to entertain people, and hopefully touch them. I wouldn’t trade that for the world, but…I want more. And I don’t think it’s selfish or greedy to want more. I’m getting the career aspect of my life under control, now I want the personal aspect. I want friends and a man in my life. I want to feel that crazy, passionate, all-consuming love, and I want to be the centre of someone's universe. I don’t want to be lonely anymore. I’m tired of that almost desperate feeling I get where I just want someone to do something with. I want to leave these four walls and see what’s out there in the rest of the world, and really live. 

One of my best online friends and I have talked about the fact that we wasted a lot of our 20s. I know your 20s are a time of self-discovery and figuring things out, but it took me a really long time to figure stuff out, and I don’t really feel like I have a whole lot to show for my 20s. Mind you, it’s not like it was 10-20+ years ago, where life seemed to end at 30, and if you were alone you were clearly a spinster for life and you had to settle down in your spinsterhood and be a boring old dud. Now it seems like life begins for a lot of people at 30, or even 40 and beyond for many people. That thought gives me hope.

For the last year and a half, I feel like I’ve done nothing but work. I’ve taken a few days off here and there, but it’s mostly been work. It’s me sitting right here day after day, same routine, same view, same panicky feeling of trying to get everything done but only ever adding to my to-do list instead of diminishing it. I feel like there’s so much to do that I can’t stop. But it’s completely neurotic because among the stuff I feel I have to do is really just stuff I tell myself needs to be done. I have three blogs - now, who in their right mind has three blogs, I ask you? It’s insanity! But they’re for different purposes - I have a book blog, in which I review books, have bookish discussions, and host authors; an author blog because I’m an author and I feel like people might be interested in that process and my books; and this little blog that isn’t reading-and-writing-related, but is just about my so-called life. I also try to keep up with social media, make friends and connections online, visit other blogs (book blogs, writing blogs, and personal blogs), design graphics for my books and websites, and then there’s the procrastination like Pinterest, YouTube, etc. And then of course, there’s my actual job, which is writing books, articles, and stories, editing them, revising them, marketing them. It’s a never-ending job.

However…with all the being said…I feel like a bit of a broken record here, because I’ve mentioned this several times in the last few weeks, but I really do believe that 2013 is going to be my year. When I push aside the negativity and other bad stuff, I feel hopeful in a way I haven’t felt in a really long time. I’m ready for change, and I’m going to embrace it. I’m going to open myself up to good things - new people, new places, new adventures. I’m going to try  to take a step back and not put so much pressure on myself when it comes to work. I’m going to live more in the real world and not so much online or in my own head.

I can’t wait to be able to share fun posts and not just depressing ones (like this one). I want to be one of those people with a happy, shiny life. As I said before, I don’t begrudge them their happiness, it’s just hard sometimes when I barely remember what it’s even like to be happy. But it’s going to happen…I believe that…I have to believe that, for my own sanity.

    

Wordless Wednesday #3

I've seen different versions of Wordless Wednesday around the blogosphere for years and since I'm always saying I'll post more of my photography on this blog but then never do, I thought doing my own version of Wordless Wednesday would be good incentive.

    

Weekend Update #1: January 26-27

Weekend Update is hosted by Sami's Shenanigans and Join the Gossip

Last week I stumbled upon Sami's blog and saw her Weekend Update post. I knew I wanted to participate this week, especially since I haven't been doing a great job of taking daily photos (my new camera has been feeling neglected, poor thing). 

After a crazy week, I had a pretty quiet weekend. I stayed in and did some work, and actually managed to relax a bit, which was nice! Here's my weekend in a nutshell (and yes I'm aware that it looks like all I did was eat all weekend, but I promise there was healthy stuff mixed in there too!):

1. My reading material for the weekend. I ended up getting a lot read - I was about halfway through Notorious Nineteen by Janet Evanovich, and I finished it Saturday, plus I read Things I Can't Forget by Miranda Kenneally, as well as some of my Sacred Celtic Places book. *For those of you who are stopping by for the first time, I'm also a book blogger at Ramblings of a Daydreamer - if you're a reader, stop by and say hi there too! :-)*

2. Sunday lunch - a 'working lunch'. Normally I cook for two at lunch and we eat together, but I was on my own yesterday so I decided to make lunch and eat at my desk so I could continue working.

3. Simple pleasures - my favourite penguin mug, Irish cream flavouring in my coffee, and a (slightly burned) homemade peanut butter and jam cookie.

4. My cleaning/work-out clothes. Note to self: don't wear black when changing the vacuum cleaner canister, because you end up with dust and dirt ALL over you (that was the reason I took the pic, but you can hardly see it!).

5. I watched my U2 at Slane Castle DVD while working out. 

6. Saturday's dessert: pancakes with chocolate pudding and strawberries - YUM.

7. Sunday night: popcorn and Downton Abbey...not pictured (be grateful): me, sobbing like a baby. Stupid writers. SPOILER WARNING IF YOU HAVEN'T SEEN SEASON 3 (highlight the black part to read): I cannot freaking believe they killed off Sybil! She was my favourite character from the beginning, and I sobbed when she died. Poor Tom and baby and Grantham family. 
     

So, that was my weekend. How was yours? What did you do? Tell me in the comments or link me up to your Weekend Update post!

    


 

U23D

On Wednesday night, Amanda (my sister-in-law) and I went to see U23D in the theatre. It was originally released in 2008, but it didn’t come to my city’s theatre. The movie is a concert that was filmed in Buenes Aires during the Vertigo tour.

U2 has been my favourite band for many years. They’ve gotten me through good times and bad. Unless you have a favourite band, you might not understand the impact one can have on your life. I lead a pretty lonely life as a writer, and I don’t have many friends, but U2 has been there for me through everything. When I’m lonely, they’re there, when I’m happy, they’re there, when I’m sad, when I’m angry, when I’m celebrating, when I’m grieving, they’re there. They have a song for every mood and every occasion, and they’re always my go-to band when I need a pick-me-up or on a day when I’m mad and feel like holding onto that mad. I was listening to a U2 song when I found out my Grama died. They’ve been the soundtrack of my life, and for that I’ll always love them.

They’ve also been a big part of my relationship with Amanda. Things between us haven’t always been easy, especially in the beginning, but U2 has been one of the things that brought us together. I’m not sure how it came about but one day many years ago I discovered one of her favourite songs was With or Without You, and then came to realize she didn’t know it was by U2. We got talking about their music, and found out we had more in common than we realized.

In 2005, we went to our first U2 concert. We were about 18 rows from the stage, on the side, and it was one of the best nights of my life. People say seeing U2 live is like a religious experience, and I’d have to agree. It was uplifting, inspiring, and just mind-blowingly amazing. Three months later, we saw the band again, this time from the 300s (aka nose bleeds), and seeing them again was like coming home. That was the Vertigo tour, which was when U23D was filmed, so it was really exciting to know the setlist and remember little bits and pieces of the show that carried on throughout the entire tour. 
 

Getting in line at 6am paid off!

Our third time seeing the band was July 2011. I had tickets for over a year and a half because Bono was injured during the tour and they had to postpone part of it. When it finally rolled around, I definitely needed a U2 fix. I had general admission (floor) tickets, and I was determined to get inside the pit. On their last few tours, they’ve had a catwalk that stretches out in a circle from the stage and some fans are inside, some outside, and the rest are in seats. I knew the spots inside the circle were coveted and that people would be lining up early, if not camping overnight, so we were in line by 6am. I think that shows what a dedicated fan (and general crazy person) I am, that I would wait in line in the scorching July sun for twelve hours to see my favourite band. It was so worth it though because we made two new friends, one of whom had been to tons of U2 concerts and took us under her wing, and helped us not only get into the circle, but into the third row. It was amazing - every U2 fan’s dream come true, and certainly mine. I won’t go into much more detail because I’ve talked about it, and them, before (here, here, here, and here, just to name a few), but it was incredible.

As for what I thought of U23D...If you’ve never seen U2 live in concert, this is the next best thing. It’s like being in the first row, only better because you get to see things you wouldn’t even from the closest vantage point. Close-ups of Bono, Edge, Adam, and Larry, different angles, and things you’d never see otherwise. When Bono reached out toward the camera, it took everything in me not to reach back – it was so real. They did a fantastic job of producing it. It really was like being right there – I got just as emotional as I normally do at their concerts (when we were leaving, Amanda said she knew I’d cried, and I was like ‘duh I always cry when I see them live' lol). Also, Amanda is 21 weeks pregnant, and I wondered how Baby G would react to the loud music, and apparently she didn't move until With or Without You came on, and then she started kicking. I thought that was incredible - we think of that as 'our' song, the song that brought us together, so for the baby to kick right then was really fitting. We've created a U2 fan in the womb!

This was exactly what I needed. I’ve been saying for a while that 2013 is going to be epic, but let me tell you it hasn’t felt too epic the first few weeks. It was nice to get out, have some fun, see my favourite band, and feel that hope that only they have the power to instill in me. There are rumours that they’ll be releasing a new album in September (and maybe more than one, which would make me burst from over-excitement). Plus there’s the fact that I’m currently looking for signs that mean I’m supposed to go to Ireland this year (you can see what I mean by that here - 6th one down), and I feel like seeing U23D and knowing the band might be releasing a new album(s) this year are signs (they’re from Ireland). It may sound silly, but anything that keeps me going and keeps me believing can’t be a bad thing, right?


    

Wordless Wednesday #2

I've seen different versions of Wordless Wednesday around the blogosphere for years and since I'm always saying I'll post more of my photography on this blog but then never do, I thought doing my own version of Wordless Wednesday would be good incentive.

I know this is supposed to be 'wordless' but I just want to say that I was really proud of this shot...this whole series of pictures, actually. These were taken late summer/early fall 2012; I had just recently learned how to use the macro setting on my camera, after wondering for years how people did those artfully close-up/blurred background shots. I thought these shots turned out amazing, and I couldn't have been happier with them. I took several hundred pictures just in that one trip to the rose garden. I love the flower, the little buds, and then the blurred bench, trees, shadows, and other flowerbeds in the background.