I can't believe it's September already. The summer went so fast. I don't want to say this was the worst summer ever, because it wasn't - that title would be reserved for the summer of 1994 right after my dad died, and last summer after my grandmother died. Those were horrible summers. This summer was just...disappointing. Uneventful. Lame.
I had high hopes for this summer. I wanted to go places and do things. Instead, I mainly stayed home, working, blogging, reading. No road trips, no adventures, nothing. I hardly saw any of my friends, and I didn't go anywhere except to the park one day, my Grama's grave on the anniversary of her death, and to see Magic Mike at the beginning of summer. That's it. I keep thinking 'that can't really be it', but it is. It seems even worse seeing it written down.
It was pretty depressing. I don't want to sound like I'm having a pity party here, but it's my blog, and if I can't whine a little bit here, what's the point of having a blog? lol Seriously though, it makes me sad that everyone was too busy for me the entire summer. That's becoming a theme. Not only did I not see any of my friends, I hardly even spoke to them. I feel completely forgotten and unimportant. Sometimes I feel like I could take off and no one would even notice.
It feels like this should be the time in my life when I'm out having fun, having a life, taking risks, having adventures, doing the occasional crazy thing. Instead I stay home and work because I have nothing else to do. I keep telling myself I'm getting ahead in my career and that's great, but my career doesn't comfort and hold me when the loneliness sets in. It doesn't reassure me that everything's going to be ok. I have this really intense fear that things will always be this way, but I try not to think about it because I worry it'll drive me crazy.
I don't like feeling this way. I don't like being stuck in a rut. Every day is the same - same four walls, same routine, same, same, same. I honestly don't know what to do about it. I can't wave a magic wand and make my friends care, or magically make new friends appear, or have my online friends - who are sometimes the only people who actually seem to care - live closer. All I can do is try to stay positive (I know that might be hard to imagine given the tone of this post), keep my chin up, and keep plugging away the way I've been doing. I really need a change, but I don't know what or how. I feel powerless because I honestly don't know how to change things. Something's gotta give.