Sunday, September 2, 2012

A disappointing summer

I can't believe it's September already. The summer went so fast. I don't want to say this was the worst summer ever, because it wasn't - that title would be reserved for the summer of 1994 right after my dad died, and last summer after my grandmother died. Those were horrible summers. This summer was just...disappointing. Uneventful. Lame

I had high hopes for this summer. I wanted to go places and do things. Instead, I mainly stayed home, working, blogging, reading. No road trips, no adventures, nothing. I hardly saw any of my friends, and I didn't go anywhere except to the park one day, my Grama's grave on the anniversary of her death, and to see Magic Mike at the beginning of summer. That's it. I keep thinking 'that can't really be it', but it is. It seems even worse seeing it written down. 

It was pretty depressing. I don't want to sound like I'm having a pity party here, but it's my blog, and if I can't whine a little bit here, what's the point of having a blog? lol Seriously though, it makes me sad that everyone was too busy for me the entire summer. That's becoming a theme. Not only did I not see any of my friends, I hardly even spoke to them. I feel completely forgotten and unimportant. Sometimes I feel like I could take off and no one would even notice. 

It feels like this should be the time in my life when I'm out having fun, having a life, taking risks, having adventures, doing the occasional crazy thing. Instead I stay home and work because I have nothing else to do. I keep telling myself I'm getting ahead in my career and that's great, but my career doesn't comfort and hold me when the loneliness sets in. It doesn't reassure me that everything's going to be ok. I have this really intense fear that things will always be this way, but I try not to think about it because I worry it'll drive me crazy.

I don't like feeling this way. I don't like being stuck in a rut. Every day is the same - same four walls, same routine, same, same, same. I honestly don't know what to do about it. I can't wave a magic wand and make my friends care, or magically make new friends appear, or have my online friends - who are sometimes the only people who actually seem to care - live closer. All I can do is try to stay positive (I know that might be hard to imagine given the tone of this post), keep my chin up, and keep plugging away the way I've been doing. I really need a change, but I don't know what or how. I feel powerless because I honestly don't know how to change things. Something's gotta give.


Jessica S. said...

*SUPER TACKLES YOU FROM 400 MILES AWAY* (ahem, or whatever it is, I had to Google Maps it and I'm not sure how accurate it is)

I know how you feel. It's so frustrating to go through the same thing summer after summer with the seeming impossibility of something happening. I did nothing this summer too. Well, I went to the zoo and saw lemurs, but that was it. I wanted to go to a county fair. Didn't happen. Wanted to go to a concert. Didn't happen. It makes me want to punch a wall.

A lot of my friends have been busy too. Everyone's growing up, dating and getting married, or so wrapped up in their career or themselves to care about anything else. Some days I'm fine with the small bubble I've created and the select few people I spend time with... other days I wish things would go back to when I was younger and nobody was married or seriously dating and would all hang out together and do crazy fun things, even just goofing off at a park for crying out loud.

Here's my solution: I'm going to move to Canada. Well, that or you move to Ohio.

Wait. It's not that simple. I WISH IT COULD BE. In any case, I say stay positive. Good things are to come. Sometimes we just need to go out and seize the day. Carpe Diem! We'll both find a way. I know it. ^_^

Natasha said...

Discontent is one of the worst feelings, not terribly bad (because we have been there, and know how that feels), not good though. And we feel like we shouldn't even be complaining, because things aren't BAD. So add in another layer of guilt.

And we arrive at discontent, that just wants to hang about. I have plans every summer and some work out more than others. I have no suggestions that I am sure you haven't already thought about.

I just wanted to pop over and say that I see you, and I heard your words.