Friday, September 28, 2012

Friday's Letters #4

Friday's Letters is hosted by Ashley over at Adventures of Newlyweds. This has been a really busy week for me, and it's looking like it'll be a busy weekend, too. I swear I need a few more hours in the day just to get everything done.
Dear blog, I'm sorry I neglected you so badly over the summer. Ramblings of a Daydreamer took so much time and work that you got shifted to the back burner. I'll try to do better!
Dear Mum, I'm so glad you're happy with your new fireplace. It's not often I get to surprise you, and seeing you happy makes me happy. 
Dear Logan, last night was your first night sleeping over since you were about a year old. You slept all night, and I'm so thankful!
Dear Castle, you were awesome this week! I've missed Nathan Fillion and the gang. Dear CSI: NY and Blue Bloods, I'm super excited you're starting tonight! I've missed Eye Candy Fridays. ;-)
Dear Jenn, I had to laugh when you asked me to go see male strippers with you. Have we met?? Can you really see me going to see male strippers? I'd die of embarrassment. You'd think you would know that after 23 years of friendship. The only male strippers I'll be seeing is when Magic Mike comes to DVD next month.
Dear WalMart, why do you have to give part-timers the crappiest shifts known to man? I'm grateful to you for giving my sister-in-law a job, but it's hard to get a two-year-old on a schedule when I have him different hours every day.
Dear Chapters, thank you for having The Casual Vacancy by JK Rowling 45% off for pre-orders. I wasn't going to buy the book, but the price talked me into it...I just couldn't help myself. Now please deliver my book in a timely manner! 


Tuesday, September 4, 2012

September Nostalgia

I always get a funny feeling around this time of year. 

The fair was in town this past weekend, and school started today. The fair used to be a huge deal for me when I was a teenager. I don't think I ever went when I was little; at least I don't remember ever going. High school was a different story though. I live just around the corner from the fairgrounds, and my best friend Suleena and I would go every year. It was a huge deal for us. We took pains with our appearances, as if we were going somewhere fancy rather than just the fair. It was the late 90s, so there was a lot of glitter involved, as you can imagine. Temporary tattoos, too, if I remember correctly. 

We would head over as soon as the fair opened at noon, buy our wristbands, and ride the rides all day...but we only liked a handful of rides, so it was the same thing for hours on end. Neither of us minded. I can remember the smell of French fries, cotton candy, candy apples, and various other artery-clogging, sugary confections. Music blasted from huge stereo speakers, and mixed with excited screams to form the soundtrack of the end of summer. Nighttime was always my favourite time to be at the fair - all the little kids had gone home, and I loved seeing all those neon lights flashing like a glow in the dark kaleidoscope. From the top of the ferris wheel, you could see the bay glinting in the distance, and the entire city sprawled below. We would stay until closing and then go back to my place for a sleepover. We were the two musketeers in those days. It was always the two of us, no one else.

I have some really amazing memories of those days. I can't remember the last time I went to the fair. I think Suleena and I went once in college, but I honestly can't remember. After that, she had a daughter of her own, and we didn't go together anymore. There was no one else I wanted to go with, and the price of admission was a deterrent from going and simply wandering around. 

Every year now I feel nostalgic when the fair comes to town on Labour Day weekend. It feels like a lifetime ago that I was inside those gates laughing and carefree, trying to forget that school would be starting in a few days. I always had this major anxiety about the first week of school. Now it's been ten years since I graduated from high school - I can't believe it.

Time sure does fly. I'm tired of feeling like it's flying away from me, beyond my control. It's time for change...

Sunday, September 2, 2012

A disappointing summer

I can't believe it's September already. The summer went so fast. I don't want to say this was the worst summer ever, because it wasn't - that title would be reserved for the summer of 1994 right after my dad died, and last summer after my grandmother died. Those were horrible summers. This summer was just...disappointing. Uneventful. Lame

I had high hopes for this summer. I wanted to go places and do things. Instead, I mainly stayed home, working, blogging, reading. No road trips, no adventures, nothing. I hardly saw any of my friends, and I didn't go anywhere except to the park one day, my Grama's grave on the anniversary of her death, and to see Magic Mike at the beginning of summer. That's it. I keep thinking 'that can't really be it', but it is. It seems even worse seeing it written down. 

It was pretty depressing. I don't want to sound like I'm having a pity party here, but it's my blog, and if I can't whine a little bit here, what's the point of having a blog? lol Seriously though, it makes me sad that everyone was too busy for me the entire summer. That's becoming a theme. Not only did I not see any of my friends, I hardly even spoke to them. I feel completely forgotten and unimportant. Sometimes I feel like I could take off and no one would even notice. 

It feels like this should be the time in my life when I'm out having fun, having a life, taking risks, having adventures, doing the occasional crazy thing. Instead I stay home and work because I have nothing else to do. I keep telling myself I'm getting ahead in my career and that's great, but my career doesn't comfort and hold me when the loneliness sets in. It doesn't reassure me that everything's going to be ok. I have this really intense fear that things will always be this way, but I try not to think about it because I worry it'll drive me crazy.

I don't like feeling this way. I don't like being stuck in a rut. Every day is the same - same four walls, same routine, same, same, same. I honestly don't know what to do about it. I can't wave a magic wand and make my friends care, or magically make new friends appear, or have my online friends - who are sometimes the only people who actually seem to care - live closer. All I can do is try to stay positive (I know that might be hard to imagine given the tone of this post), keep my chin up, and keep plugging away the way I've been doing. I really need a change, but I don't know what or how. I feel powerless because I honestly don't know how to change things. Something's gotta give.