Friday's Letters #6

Friday's Letters is hosted by Ashley over at Adventures of Newlyweds. This has been a really busy week for me, and it's looking like it'll be a busy weekend, too. I swear I need a few more hours in the day just to get everything done.

 

 

Dear weird, mysterious flu-like illness that made me feel like crap Monday night through Wednesday night, thank you for going away. I have way too much going on right now to be sick.

Dear Visa, upping my credit limit and dropping my interest by 8% was the best and worst thing ever. I've been going a little nuts on the spending, but in my defense, I've hardly bought anything all year...still...Dear self, it's NOT FREE MONEY, you have to pay it back. Take it easy!

Dear Dial guava and tangerine body wash, you were the cheapest stuff I could find, and even though guava and tangerine seem like a bizarre combination, you smell so good and you make my skin so soft.

Dear Mum, you're a rock star, as always. What more can I say? I couldn't ask for a better best friend.

Dear editor for The Game Changer, I could have kissed you when I woke up this morning and saw that you'd finished the book and sent me your notes. The last few weeks have been hell wondering if you were going to finish on time, and now I feel like 1,000 pound weight has been lifted off my shoulders. I still have a lot of work to do, but between your comments, my alpha reader's comments, and my one amazing beta reader who came through...I think I'll be ok. *crosses fingers*

Dear Nashville, I was determined not to watch any new shows this fall, and I lost interest in you after seeing the same commercial 5,428,103 times over the summer, but I caved, and you were actually pretty darn amazing. I guess one new show this season won't hurt...

Dear next week, I am so f'ing glad I have Monday, Tuesday, and Wednesday off from watching Logan. I need the break...not that it will technically be a break break, because I have a million things to do and I'll be working morning, noon, and night, but at least I'll actually be able to work without being interrupted every five seconds by a pint-sized monster who uses the world's sweetest grin to manipulate and distract me.

Dear Logan, you were the sweetest thing this week. You're so funny and smart and crazy, and I love you so much it hurts.

 

Serenading me while I attempted to work on Thursday afternoon

 

Happy Friday, everyone! I hope you've all had a great week, and that you have a wonderful weekend. Be sure to leave a comment and/or link me up to your Friday's Letters - or just your blog if you're not here from Friday's Letters - and I'll be sure to visit you back! :-)

 

Out of control

My entire life feels like it’s out of my control right now. I feel like I have absolutely no say in anything that happens, and I hate feeling powerless. I’ve been feeling really down lately, and so irritable. The least little thing sets me off, and I hate being that person. I don’t want to be that person.

I guess I got a bit spoiled working from home and being on my own schedule. I could get up when I wanted, work when and for however long I wanted, eat whenever I wanted. Now I have no say in any of those things. I love having Logan here, but six days a week and different hours every day is exhausting and leaves me very little time to do my own stuff. And I have a lot of stuff to do. It’s frustrating.

Then I have friends who basically want nothing to do with me except when it suits them. I won’t hear from them for ages until they need me for something or all of a sudden remember me and want to do something as long as it’s what they want, when they want. Since when is that how friendship works? You can’t ignore me all summer, say you’re too busy doing other stuff, and then expect me to drop everything when you have nothing better to do and suddenly want to hang out. And of course it’s those same friends who have tons of time for their other friends but no time for me. Did I miss something and we’re suddenly back in high school? You kind of expect people to be all over the place in high school, but we’re adults now - it’s time to grow up.

I’m tired of being used and overlooked and ignored, and I’m tired of putting my life on hold for other people. 

*****

I wrote that last night, and shortly afterward I was talking to my mum and she said she's afraid I'm getting really bitter and cynical...and as you can see, that's kind of true. Like I said, I don't want to be that person. I hate that everything that's going on is affecting every aspect of my life. I need to take control back, but I just don't know how....yet.

I'm feeling a bit better today. Even though I was aware of how all this stuff was affecting my mood, I think in a weird way it helped to hear someone else say it. I was aware of it, but to know it's not going unnoticed, especially by the only person who's always there for me...it's upsetting. An eye opener. I've always been strong, and now I need to draw on that strength and try to make the best of things, even when it feels like everything is going against me.

*Takes a deep breath*...I'm going to try. Hopefully soon I'll have a happy post to share instead of all this angsty crap. ;-)

 

Friday's Letters #5

Friday's Letters is hosted by Ashley over at Adventures of Newlyweds. This has been a really busy week for me, and it's looking like it'll be a busy weekend, too. I swear I need a few more hours in the day just to get everything done.

 

 

Dear WalMart, thanks so much for continuing to give my sister-in-law the crappiest hours known to man so that we won’t have a chance to celebrate Thanksgiving (one of my favourite holidays) this weekend. I have a few choice words for you, but I’d like to keep this blog PG.

Dear Mum, I feel like we're in a race to see who will lose her sanity first. I'm not liking it. At all. This seems like a really good time to run away to Ireland.

Dear Jessica, thank you for listening to me rant repeatedly this week and always being there (and by ‘there’ I mean 400+ miles away) with a reassuring and comforting word. Your cyber hugs are the best, and I love you!

Dear The Game Changer, I can’t believe you will be out in the world in less than six weeks! I also can’t believe that in less than six weeks I’ll be a three-times-published author. Eep! I’m a little worried (ok, a lot worried) that only two of my five beta readers have gotten back to me, and I’m beginning to think I’ll either need to go ahead without them or push back the release date…neither of which will make me a happy girl!

Dear Logan, I love you to bits, and even though having you here every day is sometimes stressful and has seriously thrown my schedule into the toilet, you’re a joy to have around (most of the time...except for yesterday...you were the devil yesterday and I couldn't wait for you to go home) and getting to spend so much time with you and shape your little two-year-old brain is an honour.

Dear blog, last Friday I said I’d try to do better with updating you…and considering this is my first post since then, you can see how well I did there. Sorry! 

I hope you've all  had a great week! Be sure to leave a comment and/or link me up to your Friday's Letters - or just your blog if you're not here from Friday's Letters - and I'll be sure to visit you back! :-)

 

Friday's Letters #4

Friday's Letters is hosted by Ashley over at Adventures of Newlyweds. This has been a really busy week for me, and it's looking like it'll be a busy weekend, too. I swear I need a few more hours in the day just to get everything done.

Dear blog, I'm sorry I neglected you so badly over the summer. Ramblings of a Daydreamer took so much time and work that you got shifted to the back burner. I'll try to do better!

Dear Mum, I'm so glad you're happy with your new fireplace. It's not often I get to surprise you, and seeing you happy makes me happy. 

Dear Logan, last night was your first night sleeping over since you were about a year old. You slept all night, and I'm so thankful!
Dear Castle, you were awesome this week! I've missed Nathan Fillion and the gang. Dear CSI: NY and Blue Bloods, I'm super excited you're starting tonight! I've missed Eye Candy Fridays. ;-)

Dear Jenn, I had to laugh when you asked me to go see male strippers with you. Have we met?? Can you really see me going to see male strippers? I'd die of embarrassment. You'd think you would know that after 23 years of friendship. The only male strippers I'll be seeing is when Magic Mike comes to DVD next month.

Dear WalMart, why do you have to give part-timers the crappiest shifts known to man? I'm grateful to you for giving my sister-in-law a job, but it's hard to get a two-year-old on a schedule when I have him different hours every day.

Dear Chapters, thank you for having The Casual Vacancy by JK Rowling 45% off for pre-orders. I wasn't going to buy the book, but the price talked me into it...I just couldn't help myself. Now please deliver my book in a timely manner! 

 

September Nostalgia

I always get a funny feeling around this time of year. 

The fair was in town this past weekend, and school started today. The fair used to be a huge deal for me when I was a teenager. I don't think I ever went when I was little; at least I don't remember ever going. High school was a different story though. I live just around the corner from the fairgrounds, and my best friend Suleena and I would go every year. It was a huge deal for us. We took pains with our appearances, as if we were going somewhere fancy rather than just the fair. It was the late 90s, so there was a lot of glitter involved, as you can imagine. Temporary tattoos, too, if I remember correctly. 

We would head over as soon as the fair opened at noon, buy our wristbands, and ride the rides all day...but we only liked a handful of rides, so it was the same thing for hours on end. Neither of us minded. I can remember the smell of French fries, cotton candy, candy apples, and various other artery-clogging, sugary confections. Music blasted from huge stereo speakers, and mixed with excited screams to form the soundtrack of the end of summer. Nighttime was always my favourite time to be at the fair - all the little kids had gone home, and I loved seeing all those neon lights flashing like a glow in the dark kaleidoscope. From the top of the ferris wheel, you could see the bay glinting in the distance, and the entire city sprawled below. We would stay until closing and then go back to my place for a sleepover. We were the two musketeers in those days. It was always the two of us, no one else.

I have some really amazing memories of those days. I can't remember the last time I went to the fair. I think Suleena and I went once in college, but I honestly can't remember. After that, she had a daughter of her own, and we didn't go together anymore. There was no one else I wanted to go with, and the price of admission was a deterrent from going and simply wandering around. 

Every year now I feel nostalgic when the fair comes to town on Labour Day weekend. It feels like a lifetime ago that I was inside those gates laughing and carefree, trying to forget that school would be starting in a few days. I always had this major anxiety about the first week of school. Now it's been ten years since I graduated from high school - I can't believe it.

Time sure does fly. I'm tired of feeling like it's flying away from me, beyond my control. It's time for change...

A disappointing summer

I can't believe it's September already. The summer went so fast. I don't want to say this was the worst summer ever, because it wasn't - that title would be reserved for the summer of 1994 right after my dad died, and last summer after my grandmother died. Those were horrible summers. This summer was just...disappointing. Uneventful. Lame. 

I had high hopes for this summer. I wanted to go places and do things. Instead, I mainly stayed home, working, blogging, reading. No road trips, no adventures, nothing. I hardly saw any of my friends, and I didn't go anywhere except to the park one day, my Grama's grave on the anniversary of her death, and to see Magic Mike at the beginning of summer. That's it. I keep thinking 'that can't really be it', but it is. It seems even worse seeing it written down. 

It was pretty depressing. I don't want to sound like I'm having a pity party here, but it's my blog, and if I can't whine a little bit here, what's the point of having a blog? lol Seriously though, it makes me sad that everyone was too busy for me the entire summer. That's becoming a theme. Not only did I not see any of my friends, I hardly even spoke to them. I feel completely forgotten and unimportant. Sometimes I feel like I could take off and no one would even notice. 

It feels like this should be the time in my life when I'm out having fun, having a life, taking risks, having adventures, doing the occasional crazy thing. Instead I stay home and work because I have nothing else to do. I keep telling myself I'm getting ahead in my career and that's great, but my career doesn't comfort and hold me when the loneliness sets in. It doesn't reassure me that everything's going to be ok. I have this really intense fear that things will always be this way, but I try not to think about it because I worry it'll drive me crazy.

I don't like feeling this way. I don't like being stuck in a rut. Every day is the same - same four walls, same routine, same, same, same. I honestly don't know what to do about it. I can't wave a magic wand and make my friends care, or magically make new friends appear, or have my online friends - who are sometimes the only people who actually seem to care - live closer. All I can do is try to stay positive (I know that might be hard to imagine given the tone of this post), keep my chin up, and keep plugging away the way I've been doing. I really need a change, but I don't know what or how. I feel powerless because I honestly don't know how to change things. Something's gotta give.

Peace