Friday, August 3, 2012

One year...

I know the whole point of August Break is to take a break from blogging and post pictures and not have to come up with something to say, but I can't let today go by without talking about this.

Today is the one-year anniversary of my Grama's death. My Grama was an amazing woman. She was smart and funny and creative and pretty much the nicest, sweetest, kindest person you can imagine. Everyone loved her. She was one of those people you just fall in love with the instant you meet them. I saw it happen countless times. She was one of my best friends - a kindred spirit - someone I could count on, trust, and talk to about anything. 

I lost a piece of my heart the day she died. Life hasn't been the same in the last year. She was the heart and soul of my family, and so much of my mum's and my life centred around her. I miss her so much, and sometimes it's still hard to believe she's gone. 

So much has happened in the past year. I achieved my dream of becoming a published author, and it breaks my heart that she wasn't here to see that since she was my biggest supporter and my biggest fan. When I finished writing my second and third novels, I just sat and had a meltdown both times because I wanted to tell her so badly and knew how proud she would be. My nephews have grown so much, and she would have enjoyed every story, every photograph, every visit. I'm constantly thinking 'I'll have to remember to tell Grama that' or 'Grama will love that picture'. Still. Sometimes I wonder if I'll do that the rest of my life. wouldn't feel right not to remember and honour her today. She's a huge part of the reason I am who I am today, and she continues to inspire me even though she's gone.

U2 has been the soundtrack of my life for many years, so I thought it was fitting that I was listening to them when I got the news that Grama had died. I was home alone while my mum was at the hospital with family, and I was basically pacing around going crazy, making and taking phone calls, waiting for the inevitable. I came to my room, sat down, and put on Kite by U2. As soon as it started, I knew she was gone. I just knew it. But the words were so soothing, so comforting, so appropriate, it was like she was saying them to me herself. The song wasn't even over when my mum called to tell me. 

This version in particular breaks my heart because Bono had just lost his dad. It's so raw and emotional and powerful. This may sound incredibly messed up, but even though it hurts to listen to this song, I make myself listen to it on a regular basis especially when I'm feeling numb - the pain reminds me that she would want me to be happy and live my life. 
"Something is about to give
I can feel it coming
I think I know what it is
I'm not afraid to die
I'm not afraid to live
And when I'm flat on my back
I hope to feel like I did
I want you to know
That you don't need me anymore
I want you to know
You don't need anyone or anything at all
Who's to say where the wind will take you?
Who's to say what it is will break you?
I don't know which way the wind will blow
Who's to know when the time has come around
I don't wanna see you cry
I know that this is not goodbye"

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

Hi Marie :) what a lovely tribute. I'm Ana Eugénio from Portugal and I'm doing the August Break with you too ;) hope you have an extraordinary week ahead. xxo