Monday, August 6, 2012

Saturday morning

On Saturday I posted about the one-year anniversary of my Grama's death. Saturday morning my mum, brother, sister-in-law, two nephews, and I went to visit Grama's grave. It was the first time we'd been there since her burial (a year ago today). My grampa and great-grandparents are buried there too, and although my great-grandparents' stones were marked and the big family stone was marked with their last name, my grandparents' names weren't marked, and their individual names weren't on the big stone. We had that done this spring, so we wanted to see them, plus visit Grama's grave in honour of the anniversary of her death. 

The cemetery is about an hours' drive north of here where my mum grew up, and it's a beautiful, scenic drive. It was my first drive this whole summer, and it was amazing to be out and get to see all the beautiful fields and trees and pass through Amish country and revisit the area where my mum grew up. 

I didn't think visiting the cemetery would bother me. I know my grama's not there - her spirit is with us and it's just her body there, so I was sure I would be okay. During the drive up, and even as we walked in I was fine, but the minute I saw her marker - saw her name and the dates of her birth and death - I lost it. It seemed so final. All this time I've been able to convince myself she wasn't really gone, but seeing it there in black and white carved into stone made it real, and it was like losing her all over again. There have been so many times over the last year when I've forgotten that she's gone and when I remember it's like being swept under a tidal wave. I feel like I've lost her a million times over in the last twelve months.

Then when Logan (who turned two-and-a-half on Saturday) got down on his hands and knees and hugged the grave and said 'I love you', I thought I was never going to stop crying. There's no way he could remember her, but he seemed to know. We talk about her, we show him pictures, and there's not even a flicker of recognition there, but at the cemetery, he kept hugging her grave and talking to it. 

I don't know what Noah was thinking - he remembers her, of course, but he was very solemn and kept asking me questions about the family. We had a moment standing in front of the grave where he came to me and leaned against me and put his arms around me and we just stood there for a few minutes in silence. He so rarely does that anymore - he turned ten in July - and I would have given anything to know what he was thinking in those moments. I also would have given anything to freeze those moments and hold onto them forever. I said on Saturday, I know the whole point of August Break is to post pictures and not have to come up with blog topics, and after being almost completely silent the whole month of July, of course I choose now to start blogging again. Typical lol.

My maternal great-grandparents and grandparents
Me and Mum - we owe everything to Grama
Noah and Logan
A happy moment on a sad day. Me and my sister-in-law Amanda - she's helped keep us strong this last year

No comments: