Wednesday, October 10, 2012

Out of control


My entire life feels like it’s out of my control right now. I feel like I have absolutely no say in anything that happens, and I hate feeling powerless. I’ve been feeling really down lately, and so irritable. The least little thing sets me off, and I hate being that person. I don’t want to be that person.

I guess I got a bit spoiled working from home and being on my own schedule. I could get up when I wanted, work when and for however long I wanted, eat whenever I wanted. Now I have no say in any of those things. I love having Logan here, but six days a week and different hours every day is exhausting and leaves me very little time to do my own stuff. And I have a lot of stuff to do. It’s frustrating.

Then I have friends who basically want nothing to do with me except when it suits them. I won’t hear from them for ages until they need me for something or all of a sudden remember me and want to do something as long as it’s what they want, when they want. Since when is that how friendship works? You can’t ignore me all summer, say you’re too busy doing other stuff, and then expect me to drop everything when you have nothing better to do and suddenly want to hang out. And of course it’s those same friends who have tons of time for their other friends but no time for me. Did I miss something and we’re suddenly back in high school? You kind of expect people to be all over the place in high school, but we’re adults now - it’s time to grow up.

I’m tired of being used and overlooked and ignored, and I’m tired of putting my life on hold for other people. 

*****

I wrote that last night, and shortly afterward I was talking to my mum and she said she's afraid I'm getting really bitter and cynical...and as you can see, that's kind of true. Like I said, I don't want to be that person. I hate that everything that's going on is affecting every aspect of my life. I need to take control back, but I just don't know how....yet.

I'm feeling a bit better today. Even though I was aware of how all this stuff was affecting my mood, I think in a weird way it helped to hear someone else say it. I was aware of it, but to know it's not going unnoticed, especially by the only person who's always there for me...it's upsetting. An eye opener. I've always been strong, and now I need to draw on that strength and try to make the best of things, even when it feels like everything is going against me.

*Takes a deep breath*...I'm going to try. Hopefully soon I'll have a happy post to share instead of all this angsty crap. ;-)

 



5 comments:

Jessica S. said...

I hear you, Marie. With my new job, I still haven't been able to schedule hardly anything. I seem to be managing about 1000 words a week, but at this rate it will take me about 5 more months to finish. And my book blog--I usually have a months worth of posts (aside from my weekly posts) scheduled ahead of time. After this Friday, I've got nothing planned for the rest of October. *facepalm*

I have the same issue with friends. Once a month, a girl I used to be close to will go through a bunch of my photos on Facebook and like at least 20 of them. Other than that, she doesn't write or call or hang with me. I just shake my head.

I think I'm close to the bitter and cynical... or at least I was there while in my old job. It's like I say on my about me--I'm in the middle of my quarter life crisis. I wish things could get better, but it comes down to me trying my best to be happy and do what I can with what I have. Even though it sucks sometimes.

Hang in there! Maybe things will change for the better soon, or maybe you can find a way to reschedule everything in a way that makes things a little bit easier. And always know you can vent about this stuff to me anytime. *hugs*

SweetMarie83 said...

You're the best, Jess! I really appreciate your support and encouragement and friendship. I was venting to my mum about my 'friends' the other day and said what sucks is that the people I know would be AMAZING 'real life' friends - like you - are so far away.

"I wish things could get better, but it comes down to me trying my best to be happy and do what I can with what I have." - Exactly. Sometimes I just feel hopeless and helpless, and I hate feeling that way. I know that if you have a crappy attitude and crappy outlook, everything will STAY crappy...it's just hard sometimes to rise above it. But I'll try! Things could definitely be worse, which is why I hate complaining. I know a lot of people have really rough lives and mine looks like a cake walk in comparison...I guess I just wish I had something to look forward to or something fun to break up the monotony, you know? We should make up our minds that 2013 will be our year - an amazing year for both of us! <3

Jessica S. said...

<3 It does suck that we live so far away. It always brightens my day to get a comment from you, or to read your latest posts. It's almost like you're here, even when you can't be.

I hear you there too--feeling hopeless and helpless. I constantly go through this back and forth of bad mood then good mood. It is nice to have something to look forward to, even if it is just getting out of the house to see a movie with a friend. We should totally make 2013 an amazing year! I keep trying to do that every year and I fail, but it's probably because I set the bar too high. Maybe I just need to find a nice middle ground. But, yes, definitely! *high five*

SweetMarie83 said...

Hearing from you always brightens my day too. <3 I realized the other day that I talk to you more and TELL you more than any of my 'real life' friends. That's kinda sad, but I'm so, so grateful to have you in my life, even if you are far away.

Yes on the back and forth with moods...I hate it. It's nice to at least know I'm not alone there. Today every time a negative or angry thought entered my head, I tried to just mentally steer away and not let it bother me. Or briefly acknowledge it then say 'no' and move on so I didn't dwell. I hate all the negativity and anger and bitterness - it's not healthy, and it can eat you alive. We're way too young for that, you know? Although, I kind of thing it's part of the writer's curse...we live inside our own heads so much we tend to be a broody, moody lot lol. BUT if that's the price we have to pay for creative genius (or something close), I'll take it.

I've sworn each year to make it 'my' year too. I think maybe what we need to do is not set the bar too high, not build it up, but just make up our minds it's going to be good no matter what and go with it. I'm learning that whenever I make plans, it doesn't work, so I'm going to try to just take it as it comes but make the best out of it no matter what. I think if we have each other to cheer on and help sort of keep each other on track, it will help. We can do it! *high five*

Sharon ObsessionwithBooks said...

Oh my gosh Marie, I could have written your post! my moods are all over the place (a super bad year family wise) and I am becoming the biggest cynic, I am trying to adopt a more carefree attitude but at times life does get tough.

I would take up too much space if I was to rant about friends ;)

Anyway, I hope you get some 'you' time very soon, if ever you need to vent, I am more than happy to listen (or read since the call would cost a motzer!). I am thinking of you xx