Stuck in a Moment

This post is something I’ve been working away at and wasn’t actually sure I was going to post until I read this post and this post by Susannah Conway. I’m among the countless people who have been inspired by Susannah. Her honesty, her bravery, her ability to be vulnerable and truthful and accessible, have made me look deeper into my own heart and mind, explore my own vulnerabilities, and try to open up and share more. And although I can do that – and have finally started to do that – in a journal, it’s not quite the same as laying it all out there for the world to see and hopefully have people understand and relate, and to come to that amazing realization that you’re not alone. Whether you’re happy or miserable or indifferent to the world, blogging has created this incredible global community of like-minded people who are exploring their own selves and talking about their journeys. 

I've been dealing with some weird, uncomfortable feelings lately. Unhappiness and uncertainty...I wouldn't go so far as to say depression, because I've experienced actual depression and this isn't as bad. It's just...a lot of swirling, negative thoughts that I don't like and don't want.

Sometimes it’s really hard to read people’s blogs, or Facebook and Twitter feeds, and hear about their happy, shiny lives, because my life is so…well, not happy and shiny. My life isn’t what I thought it would be at this point, and seeing/hearing about people taking adventures I want to take, hanging out with friends when I hardly see my friends, going places I long to travel…weddings, babies, buying houses, going to parties, having happy, quiet moments with their loved ones...all of it is hard to swallow at times. I don't begrudge these people their happiness, and I'm happy for them, but it doesn't stop me from feeling envious or occasionally feeling sorry for myself because I don't have any of that, and I want it SO BAD.

Being a writer is a lonely life. I live inside my own head so much, and even though I enjoy my alone time, I also wish I had friends around. I’m insanely lucky to share an apartment with my mum, who’s also my best friend, but there’s a double generation gap between us (she was in her 40s when she had me) and as much as I adore spending time with her, sometimes I just want a girlfriend my own age who I can go out with. I want to go dancing and go shopping and go on road trips and be silly and take a million pictures and stop worrying about all the things I need to do.

I know I’m incredibly blessed. I have a family I love, two precious nephews and a niece on the way, I have traveled even though I desperately want to do and see so much more. My lifelong dream was to be a published author, and I’m about to publish my third book. I know how lucky I am to be living my dream - not many people can say that. I love my job, I love what I do, I love getting to create worlds and people and situations, and I love that I get to entertain people, and hopefully touch them. I wouldn’t trade that for the world, but…I want more. And I don’t think it’s selfish or greedy to want more. I’m getting the career aspect of my life under control, now I want the personal aspect. I want friends and a man in my life. I want to feel that crazy, passionate, all-consuming love, and I want to be the centre of someone's universe. I don’t want to be lonely anymore. I’m tired of that almost desperate feeling I get where I just want someone to do something with. I want to leave these four walls and see what’s out there in the rest of the world, and really live. 

One of my best online friends and I have talked about the fact that we wasted a lot of our 20s. I know your 20s are a time of self-discovery and figuring things out, but it took me a really long time to figure stuff out, and I don’t really feel like I have a whole lot to show for my 20s. Mind you, it’s not like it was 10-20+ years ago, where life seemed to end at 30, and if you were alone you were clearly a spinster for life and you had to settle down in your spinsterhood and be a boring old dud. Now it seems like life begins for a lot of people at 30, or even 40 and beyond for many people. That thought gives me hope.

For the last year and a half, I feel like I’ve done nothing but work. I’ve taken a few days off here and there, but it’s mostly been work. It’s me sitting right here day after day, same routine, same view, same panicky feeling of trying to get everything done but only ever adding to my to-do list instead of diminishing it. I feel like there’s so much to do that I can’t stop. But it’s completely neurotic because among the stuff I feel I have to do is really just stuff I tell myself needs to be done. I have three blogs - now, who in their right mind has three blogs, I ask you? It’s insanity! But they’re for different purposes - I have a book blog, in which I review books, have bookish discussions, and host authors; an author blog because I’m an author and I feel like people might be interested in that process and my books; and this little blog that isn’t reading-and-writing-related, but is just about my so-called life. I also try to keep up with social media, make friends and connections online, visit other blogs (book blogs, writing blogs, and personal blogs), design graphics for my books and websites, and then there’s the procrastination like Pinterest, YouTube, etc. And then of course, there’s my actual job, which is writing books, articles, and stories, editing them, revising them, marketing them. It’s a never-ending job.

However…with all the being said…I feel like a bit of a broken record here, because I’ve mentioned this several times in the last few weeks, but I really do believe that 2013 is going to be my year. When I push aside the negativity and other bad stuff, I feel hopeful in a way I haven’t felt in a really long time. I’m ready for change, and I’m going to embrace it. I’m going to open myself up to good things - new people, new places, new adventures. I’m going to try  to take a step back and not put so much pressure on myself when it comes to work. I’m going to live more in the real world and not so much online or in my own head.

I can’t wait to be able to share fun posts and not just depressing ones (like this one). I want to be one of those people with a happy, shiny life. As I said before, I don’t begrudge them their happiness, it’s just hard sometimes when I barely remember what it’s even like to be happy. But it’s going to happen…I believe that…I have to believe that, for my own sanity.

    

September Nostalgia

I always get a funny feeling around this time of year. 

The fair was in town this past weekend, and school started today. The fair used to be a huge deal for me when I was a teenager. I don't think I ever went when I was little; at least I don't remember ever going. High school was a different story though. I live just around the corner from the fairgrounds, and my best friend Suleena and I would go every year. It was a huge deal for us. We took pains with our appearances, as if we were going somewhere fancy rather than just the fair. It was the late 90s, so there was a lot of glitter involved, as you can imagine. Temporary tattoos, too, if I remember correctly. 

We would head over as soon as the fair opened at noon, buy our wristbands, and ride the rides all day...but we only liked a handful of rides, so it was the same thing for hours on end. Neither of us minded. I can remember the smell of French fries, cotton candy, candy apples, and various other artery-clogging, sugary confections. Music blasted from huge stereo speakers, and mixed with excited screams to form the soundtrack of the end of summer. Nighttime was always my favourite time to be at the fair - all the little kids had gone home, and I loved seeing all those neon lights flashing like a glow in the dark kaleidoscope. From the top of the ferris wheel, you could see the bay glinting in the distance, and the entire city sprawled below. We would stay until closing and then go back to my place for a sleepover. We were the two musketeers in those days. It was always the two of us, no one else.

I have some really amazing memories of those days. I can't remember the last time I went to the fair. I think Suleena and I went once in college, but I honestly can't remember. After that, she had a daughter of her own, and we didn't go together anymore. There was no one else I wanted to go with, and the price of admission was a deterrent from going and simply wandering around. 

Every year now I feel nostalgic when the fair comes to town on Labour Day weekend. It feels like a lifetime ago that I was inside those gates laughing and carefree, trying to forget that school would be starting in a few days. I always had this major anxiety about the first week of school. Now it's been ten years since I graduated from high school - I can't believe it.

Time sure does fly. I'm tired of feeling like it's flying away from me, beyond my control. It's time for change...

The Vampire Diaries Season 3 Finale

It’s been a long time since I’ve gotten so emotional over a TV show. I’ve enjoyed The Vampire Diaries all season, but the season finale…wow. Just wow. From the way the last few episodes went, I knew big things would be coming in the season finale, but I wasn't prepared for all the twists and turns that left my head spinning for hours afterward.

First, let me say that I’ve been a fan of the show from the very first episode. I was an avid watcher of the first season, but I missed a lot of the second season because they moved the day and time it was on (I don’t get CW, it’s on a Canadian channel for me), and then watched the entire third season, so I was kind of lost at the beginning of this season. I didn’t know where Jenna went, I didn’t know who Klaus was, and there were a few other holes that it took me awhile to fill in.

I’ve always kind of flip-flopped between Team Stefan and Team Damon. I guess if I had to choose, I’d choose Stefan - not necessarily for myself, but for Elena. I think in the long run, he’s better for her. But, because I’ve switched sides so often over the last three years, I had no idea who Elena would choose, or ultimately who I wanted her to choose. Whether you're for Stelena or Delena, you have to admit that she had a tough choice to make.

I’d also like to point out that Ric has been one of my favorite characters from the beginning, so his ‘death’ and then him becoming a vampire a few episodes ago, and then him really dying in the finale made me completely lose it. Why, oh why do shows find it necessary to kill off beloved characters?!

Anyway, my thoughts on the season finale are kind of disjointed. Because I don’t get CW, I have to watch the show Friday nights on Much Music. I don’t usually mind - Friday night is my favorite TV night, with TVD, CSI: NY, and Blue Bloods, but this Thursday night, I didn’t want to be out of the loop. I hate reading spoilers, and I didn’t want to go all day Friday avoiding Facebook and Twitter. So, thanks to TVD Addictions, I got the link to watch it online, and was able to tweet along with a gazillion other people and get everyone else’s impressions of the show.

I don’t think I have to warn you about major spoiler alerts here…if you haven’t watched the finale yet, and don’t want to know what happened, don’t read any further!

First emotional moment: When Ric found Jeremy at the bar and asked for his help finding Klaus. When he asked Jeremy to help him so Elena could live out her life, and then when she died, he would die, my heart broke a little. He always wanted what was best for Elena and Jeremy, and he genuinely cared about them. He wasn’t just their guardian, he loved them.

Tension easer: When Elijah came to the Gilbert home and they were all talking about letting the siblings have Klaus’s body, and it was so serious and intense, and all of a sudden we realize Damon’s on the phone - hilarious. His reaction was classic - “Did that concussion give you brain damage?!” It was a great way to lighten the mood.

Another emotional moment: When Elena and Stefan were talking, and Elena said it felt like everyone who left didn’t come back, and Stefan said, “I promise I will do everything in my power to make sure we all come back,” and then Elena asked him to wait, then said they could talk later, and Stefan kissed her and said, “Just in case there is no later.” I totally swooned. *sigh* The Team Stefan part of me definitely cheered then…and cried a little. And maybe even clapped.

Shocking moment: When Ric staked Klaus. I honestly didn’t think that was going to happen. I knew they'd find some way around it because they couldn't just let everyone else die, but I couldn't imagine how they were going to do it, so in the moment it was devastating.

Yet another emotional moment: After Klaus was staked and Damon and Stefan were talking on the phone, and Stefan said they wouldn’t be able to say goodbye in person, and Damon said something about a goodbye between brothers, and Stefan said, “Not us. You and Elena.” Despite the fact that Stefan loved her, he knew she had feelings for Damon and that Damon loved her, and he thought they should get a chance to say goodbye. I was amazed at his selflessness.

Another tear-jerker moment: When Elena was talking to Damon on the phone and he said, “If it was just down to him and me, and you had to make a choice who got the goodbye, who would it be?” and she chooses Stefan and says, “I care about you, Damon, which is why I have to let you go. Maybe if you and I had met first…” That broke my heart.

When my heart really broke: When they did the flashback and it turns out Damon met Elena first. “You want a love that consumes you. You want passion and adventure. Maybe a little danger.” I actually felt almost sick. I just sat there with my mouth open. And the fact that that’s what Damon was thinking about when Ric was basically about to kill him, after Elena had told him that if they had met first, things might be different. *dagger in the heart*

When my broken heart shattered: The moment Ric died. I actually wasn’t worried about Elena (although that whole thing was emotional with her dad in the car, and Stefan saving her in the flashback, then saving Matt in the present), because I know they couldn’t kill her off, but I knew there was a good chance Ric was leaving. I completely lost it. And when he appeared to Jeremy as a ghost, I literally started to bawl. I can’t decide if that was worse than a few episodes ago when everyone said goodbye to Ric and then he ‘died’ alone with Damon. Regardless, I cried like a baby both times.

Now, sometimes I’m a little dense and things go over my head, or my mind wanders and I’ll miss a few important seconds and then be lost. If it weren’t for Twitter, I wouldn’t have realized that Elena is now a vampire (or technically, she's 'in transition'). I missed Meredith saying that she ‘helped her’. So…Elena’s a vampire?? And what about Tyler? If Klaus is in his body, who was in Klaus’s body when Ric staked him? Did Bonnie switch them, and Tyler’s now dead? And if Tyler is dead and Klaus is now the inhabitant of his body, does that mean Joseph Morgan won’t be returning?

If Ric is a ghost, does that mean he’s sticking around? Matt Davis announced on Twitter yesterday that the pilot for his new show was picked up, so if he’s going to star in a new show, I’m guessing he won’t be a regular on TVD. Hopefully he’ll at least make ghostly appearances now and then. The show won’t be the same without him.

I have to say this was the cliffhanger of all cliffhangers. I know a lot of fans are in an uproar. I’m just curious, and anxious for the next season (four months…why?!), and can’t wait to have all my questions answered and see what happens. No pressure on the writers or producers or anything, but the season premier had better be as epic as the season finale! ;-)