Stuck in a Moment

This post is something I’ve been working away at and wasn’t actually sure I was going to post until I read this post and this post by Susannah Conway. I’m among the countless people who have been inspired by Susannah. Her honesty, her bravery, her ability to be vulnerable and truthful and accessible, have made me look deeper into my own heart and mind, explore my own vulnerabilities, and try to open up and share more. And although I can do that – and have finally started to do that – in a journal, it’s not quite the same as laying it all out there for the world to see and hopefully have people understand and relate, and to come to that amazing realization that you’re not alone. Whether you’re happy or miserable or indifferent to the world, blogging has created this incredible global community of like-minded people who are exploring their own selves and talking about their journeys. 

I've been dealing with some weird, uncomfortable feelings lately. Unhappiness and uncertainty...I wouldn't go so far as to say depression, because I've experienced actual depression and this isn't as bad. It's just...a lot of swirling, negative thoughts that I don't like and don't want.

Sometimes it’s really hard to read people’s blogs, or Facebook and Twitter feeds, and hear about their happy, shiny lives, because my life is so…well, not happy and shiny. My life isn’t what I thought it would be at this point, and seeing/hearing about people taking adventures I want to take, hanging out with friends when I hardly see my friends, going places I long to travel…weddings, babies, buying houses, going to parties, having happy, quiet moments with their loved ones...all of it is hard to swallow at times. I don't begrudge these people their happiness, and I'm happy for them, but it doesn't stop me from feeling envious or occasionally feeling sorry for myself because I don't have any of that, and I want it SO BAD.

Being a writer is a lonely life. I live inside my own head so much, and even though I enjoy my alone time, I also wish I had friends around. I’m insanely lucky to share an apartment with my mum, who’s also my best friend, but there’s a double generation gap between us (she was in her 40s when she had me) and as much as I adore spending time with her, sometimes I just want a girlfriend my own age who I can go out with. I want to go dancing and go shopping and go on road trips and be silly and take a million pictures and stop worrying about all the things I need to do.

I know I’m incredibly blessed. I have a family I love, two precious nephews and a niece on the way, I have traveled even though I desperately want to do and see so much more. My lifelong dream was to be a published author, and I’m about to publish my third book. I know how lucky I am to be living my dream - not many people can say that. I love my job, I love what I do, I love getting to create worlds and people and situations, and I love that I get to entertain people, and hopefully touch them. I wouldn’t trade that for the world, but…I want more. And I don’t think it’s selfish or greedy to want more. I’m getting the career aspect of my life under control, now I want the personal aspect. I want friends and a man in my life. I want to feel that crazy, passionate, all-consuming love, and I want to be the centre of someone's universe. I don’t want to be lonely anymore. I’m tired of that almost desperate feeling I get where I just want someone to do something with. I want to leave these four walls and see what’s out there in the rest of the world, and really live. 

One of my best online friends and I have talked about the fact that we wasted a lot of our 20s. I know your 20s are a time of self-discovery and figuring things out, but it took me a really long time to figure stuff out, and I don’t really feel like I have a whole lot to show for my 20s. Mind you, it’s not like it was 10-20+ years ago, where life seemed to end at 30, and if you were alone you were clearly a spinster for life and you had to settle down in your spinsterhood and be a boring old dud. Now it seems like life begins for a lot of people at 30, or even 40 and beyond for many people. That thought gives me hope.

For the last year and a half, I feel like I’ve done nothing but work. I’ve taken a few days off here and there, but it’s mostly been work. It’s me sitting right here day after day, same routine, same view, same panicky feeling of trying to get everything done but only ever adding to my to-do list instead of diminishing it. I feel like there’s so much to do that I can’t stop. But it’s completely neurotic because among the stuff I feel I have to do is really just stuff I tell myself needs to be done. I have three blogs - now, who in their right mind has three blogs, I ask you? It’s insanity! But they’re for different purposes - I have a book blog, in which I review books, have bookish discussions, and host authors; an author blog because I’m an author and I feel like people might be interested in that process and my books; and this little blog that isn’t reading-and-writing-related, but is just about my so-called life. I also try to keep up with social media, make friends and connections online, visit other blogs (book blogs, writing blogs, and personal blogs), design graphics for my books and websites, and then there’s the procrastination like Pinterest, YouTube, etc. And then of course, there’s my actual job, which is writing books, articles, and stories, editing them, revising them, marketing them. It’s a never-ending job.

However…with all the being said…I feel like a bit of a broken record here, because I’ve mentioned this several times in the last few weeks, but I really do believe that 2013 is going to be my year. When I push aside the negativity and other bad stuff, I feel hopeful in a way I haven’t felt in a really long time. I’m ready for change, and I’m going to embrace it. I’m going to open myself up to good things - new people, new places, new adventures. I’m going to try  to take a step back and not put so much pressure on myself when it comes to work. I’m going to live more in the real world and not so much online or in my own head.

I can’t wait to be able to share fun posts and not just depressing ones (like this one). I want to be one of those people with a happy, shiny life. As I said before, I don’t begrudge them their happiness, it’s just hard sometimes when I barely remember what it’s even like to be happy. But it’s going to happen…I believe that…I have to believe that, for my own sanity.

    

Welcome, 2013! Let the awesome begin!

I don’t really know how to describe 2012. It was better than some, and I wouldn’t even go so far as to say it was worse than others, it was just…a lot of the same. A lot of monotony. However, I’ll take that over tragedy and heartache any day, so I don’t feel right complaining. But…there were times it felt like these four walls were closing in on me and that nothing would ever change. I got tired of the same routine day in and day out, but I didn’t really do much to change it…I didn’t know what I could do.

2013 will be different. I can feel it. I can feel the possibilities, the change in the air, the change in me. 2013 is going to be EPIC, I just know it. I haven't felt this hopeful in a really long time.

A few highlights of 2012: 

 *Achieving my lifelong dream of becoming a published author in January, and then publishing two more books throughout the year

*Going to Cobourg with my sister-in-law to meet Gail Vaz-Oxlade

*Watching one of my best childhood friends get married and having my other best childhood friend as my date

*This is out of chronological order, but…Jenn’s bridal shower and bachelorette - day drunk, old friends, crazy dares, and dancing

*Going to Watertown for a day of shopping

*Finding out I’m going to be an aunt again!

*Spending so much time with Logan. I didn’t get to see Noah nearly as much as I wanted to this year, but Logan was here a lot between Amanda going to school and then working. I got to see more of him this past year than I ever did of Noah at that age, and I feel like I got to shape his mind and turn him into the crazy, wonderful little person he is. He was so receptive to everything I taught him, and he’s just the best baby ever. I feel so blessed to have both him and Noah in my life, and soon another little niece or nephew!

2013 Goals

Get healthy

I say this every year, but this is something I have to do. No more excuses. I'm going to do this differently than usual though: I'm not going to put as much pressure on myself as I usually do. I'm going to work steadily but not make it my main focus or become obsessive about it, because that's always my down-fall - I burn out. I'm actually going to be talking more about my health-related goals in a post later this week. 

Journal 

I’ve journalled on and off since I was little but I’ve never really stuck with it. My Grama kept journals from the time she was a young woman until she died. We have dozens of them, and I cherish them like you wouldn’t believe. I want my children and grandchildren to have mine someday, but it won’t be worth it if it’s a few random, inconsistent entries. I’m determined 2013 is going to be the best year ever, so it’ll be incentive to keep a journal regularly. I’ve actually already started. :-) 

Take more pictures 
There were times this year when I was really camera-happy, and I even learned a few new tricks just from playing around, but next year I really want to use my camera as if it were an extension of myself. I want to capture moments, feelings, memories, and even if no one but me ever sees the pictures, they’ll be my little moments in time to look at and remember. 

Go out more! 
Go out, have a life, do things, LIVE. I didn't do enough living in 2012. I want to have adventures and take chances and laugh til I cry and dance and be silly and HAVE FUN. I'm tired of being a hermit, I'm tired of letting my social anxiety hold me back. Life is meant for living and I need to get out there and live it! 

Make this blog more of a priority 
The times when I go for weeks without posting are usually because I don’t really have anything to share. 2012 was a pretty quiet (read: boring) year in my personal life, but I’m determined to change that in 2013, so I will be posting about my adventures, posting more pictures, and talking about projects and maybe even sharing a few recipes or how-tos.

I feel like 2012 was the year I really got my professional life started. I wrote almost non-stop, published three works, and wrote several others to publish in 2013. I feel like I'm getting that aspect of my life under control and it's all coming together nicely, and now 2013 is the year to carry that on but also get my personal life going. It can't all be about work, and I'm ready to detach myself from the computer a bit and have some fun!

Wishing you all a healthy, happy, love-filled, prosperous, AMAZING 2013!! <3

    

I went wandering...

Talking about this isn’t easy for me because it makes me feel incredibly vulnerable, and I always worry about people judging me…but I want to be completely honest here, and maybe along the way someone who’s going through the same thing will read this and take comfort in knowing they’re not alone.

In my last post, I talked about having social anxiety issues. I’m incredibly shy, and I have trouble doing things on my own. I rarely go out alone because of my issues, but I’ve decided it’s time to start taking steps to change that...baby steps. I know that baby steps will eventually turn into leaps and bounds if I can stick with it and be strong. I’ve overcome so many obstacles in my life, I can overcome this too.

A year ago, I was getting better. I went out on a fairly regular basis, and even ventured out alone. During the periods I didn’t feel like going out, I went anyway because I had a purpose: visiting my Grama. She was one of my best friends, and I visited her at least once a week, more if I could manage. Then last August she died and a little part of me died, too. A bright light went out in the world, and I was so lost. My heart was broken, and on the days I wasn’t drowning in grief, I was completely numb.

I reverted to my old ways, but it was worse than ever. I didn’t want to go out, and the only times I went were with my mum or friends who understand my anxiety. Nobody but Mum knew how deeply I was grieving - it felt like nobody even really cared. The whole world moved on while Mum and I were stuck grieving the loss of someone who was basically the centre of our universe. And it wasn't the first time, either...but that's a story for another day.

Lately I’ve been desperate for change. I know it’s not healthy to live like this, and more than that, I don’t want to live like this anymore. I’m tired of letting life pass me by, and I want to start really living. I don't want to let my fear hold me back from all the wonderful things I know life has to offer.

I also mentioned in my last post about the Exploring the Senses course, run by Susannah Conway. I feel like this is the nudge I needed to get out. So…baby steps. Yesterday I was watching a group of high school boys kick a soccer ball around across the street. I just watched them for awhile - laughing, carefree, playing like little kids - and I couldn’t help but smile. While I was watching them, I also noticed a beautiful rose bush near the wall of the school. That just proves how unobservant I am - it’s across the street (mind you, it’s a city street, so that’s a fair distance), and I’ve never noticed it.

That sparked an idea. The kids at that school planted a flowerbed last week, and I was curious about it because we can’t see it well from our window. I decided that I would head out, wander around, and take some pictures. As sad as it sounds, I really had to psych myself up for it. It’s only across the street, but I was serious when I said I don’t go anywhere alone. My first thoughts were, ‘What if something happens to me? What if people see me taking pictures and think I’m weird?’ And then I realized a) It’s ridiculous to think something’s going to happen to me any time I go out, and b) Who the hell cares if people look at me and think I’m weird? These are just excuses to remain stuck in this rut, and I'm tired of excuses.

So I was actually starting to get a bit excited about my little adventure, and then the skies started to darken…and darken...and it started to pour, and then storm. I couldn’t believe it. I was so disappointed - all that anticipation for nothing. But, by the time I finished dinner, it had stopped raining and mostly cleared off. Despite that, I thought ‘maybe tomorrow will be better. Or the weekend.’ It only took me a minute to come to my senses, get dressed, grab my camera, and head out. And I’m so glad I did.

To most people, this would seem really insignificant, but to me it’s a big step. Now I just need to keep it up. 

The flowers that started it all

 

On a side note (and I feel kinda stupid for admitting this): a few weeks ago, I finally figured out what the macro setting was on my camera, and how to use it. I've only had this camera for...oh, two years...so it was about time. I've had so much fun using the setting, and I keep looking for things I can take close-ups of. I'm obsessed. I had a lot of fun with these flowers, and when I got home and uploaded the pictures, I actually thought, 'wait, I took these??' All around, a good night.

*****

I went out walking

Through the streets paved with gold

Lifted some stones, saw the skin and bones

Of a city without a soul

I went out walking

Under an atomic sky

Where the ground won’t turn

And the rain it burns

Like the tears when I said goodbye

Yeah, I went with nothing

Nothing but the thought of you

I went wandering

…

I went out there in search of experience

To taste and to touch and to feel as much

As a man can before he repents

~The Wanderer - U2~

 

Exploring the Senses

Confession time: I’m a bit of a hermit. I have some social anxiety issues, and because I work from home, I don’t need to go out all that often. Most of my friends are married and/or have children, so I don’t really have many people to hang out with, and I’m not confident enough to go out on my own (something I’m going to be working on this summer).

Being a hermit has never really bothered me until recently. I think it was because until recently I could go out, I just didn’t. Now that I have Logan here 4-5 days a week, my freedom is gone. Don’t get me wrong, I love having him here, and he brings me a lot of joy, but having him here has been a huge change/adjustment.

I’m an author and freelance writer, so I used to work on my writing, social networking, and promotion all day every day, and now with Logan here I’ve had to cut way back. I was hoping to have my second book finished several months ago, but I’m still working on it because I don’t have much time, and I’m finding it hard to concentrate. For instance, right now I know I should be writing, but I’m just not feeling it. My mind is all over the place, and all I really want to do is curl up and fall asleep...and it’s only 5pm as I write this. I'm mentally and physically exhausted - and I'm used to insanely long days (me being a hermit = working 8-14 hours a day, 7 days a week until I started watching Logan).

Again, don’t get me wrong. It’s not that I’m complaining, and I wouldn’t even necessarily change things if I could (I didn’t get to spend even half this much time with my older nephew, Noah, when he was Logan’s age, so I cherish this time with Logan and know how lucky I am), it’s just I feel like I’m stuck in a rut. Same routine day in and day out, same four walls, and it's starting to feel like they’re closing in on me.

I’ve been feeling stuck for awhile now, but it wasn’t really until today that I realized I need to get out more. There’s this amazing blogger/photographer/author named Susannah Conway, who I’ve been following for awhile now and drawing inspiration from. She does several different e-courses, and her book, This I Know: Notes on Unraveling the Heart came out this past Tuesday. She had a special offer for anyone who pre-ordered her book to take a free e-course, and I was so excited because I’d already pre-ordered and received my copy. 

The course is called Exploring the Senses. I was immediately intrigued, because I know my senses need a little (okay, a lot of) fine-tuning. Usually writers are incredibly observant, and although I am with certain things, I’m terrible with other things. I live very much in my own little world (occupational hazard), and I often forget to pay attention to the world around me. I don’t take the time to really see or smell or touch or taste or connect. Maybe that’s part of my current problem.

I obviously can’t tell you the finer details of the course, but as I said, this morning I really realized I need to get out more. It was when I got the first ‘assignment’ for the course in my inbox, that I thought, ‘Huh…I’m actually going to have to venture out into the world of the living to accomplish some of these things.’ It’s kind of scary for me, but also exhilarating at the same time. It almost feels like a gentle nudge from the Universe telling me it’s time to get over my fears and my other issues and really LIVE. No more existing, it’s time to do and see and go and BE.

I’m already planning and plotting how to accomplish these things. I’m thinking that I might go to the rose garden on Friday (weather permitting), and maybe on Saturday I’ll wander around downtown, go to the library (my favorite spot), check out the farmer’s market (something I almost never do because there are so many people around), and see where the day takes me.

Maybe this is the beginning of something big and wonderful for me. Maybe this is the catalyst for change I’ve been so desperately seeking. So, thank you Universe…and thank you, Susannah.

 

Fun Finds - flip flops and hair tamers

Confession time: I'm a hermit. A lot of writers are hermits, but I also have some social anxiety issues (also common among writers, which I just recently learned, and which made me feel a lot better). I don't get out much - I work a lot, and I watch my 2-year-old nephew, Logan, 4-5 days a week. Most of my friends have either moved away, or have gotten married and/or had kids, so I don't have many friends to hang out with. 

I've been feeling really stuck lately, and getting tired of the same routine and these same four walls, so on Friday, I decided it was time to go out. It's a long weekend here in Canada, and I have 4 days off from watching Logan, so I wanted to take that time to have a bit of fun and get some things done.

I used to go to the library at least once a week, wander around, and then sit and read. I hadn't done that yet this year, so I did that on Friday with my mum. We spent about an hour at the library (if you'd like to see what I got, I'm also a book blogger, and I did a Book Haul vlog at my book blog), then went to Giant Tiger to look around. It was a gorgeous spring day, and it was so nice to be out in the sunshine and fresh air. We also went out Saturday and hit the dollar store and Walmart. Two days in a row - a recent record for me, and it was beautiful both days, so I feel better about having been out.

One of my childhood best friends is getting married in four weeks, and her bridal shower and bachelorette party are next Saturday, so I was hoping to get a new shirt, and I need a gift for her. Here's the thing...another confession: I don't like shopping. I think it's because I've never had a lot of money, and the times I have had money (like right now - it's a rarity), I can't find anything I want or need. I've been busting my butt working out and eating healthier the last few months, and it's taking my body FOREVER to change, but because I'm between sizes, nothing fits properly, so nothing looks good. I'm in desperate need of a new bra, and I tried on probably six over the course of Friday and Saturday, and couldn't find one that fit right. ARGH! I also wasn't able to find a shirt for the shower or an outfit for the wedding. Double argh.

I did, however, manage to find two pairs of sandals. I have the worst time finding shoes because my feet are big and wide, and it's nearly impossible to find my size. I couldn't believe it when I found not one, but two pairs of sandals for only $5 each. What's great about them is that I can wear them for casual days, or for dressier occasions.

I was also really happy to find a pair of black cotton capris for only $7 that I'll wear for working out (I didn't take a picture of those, because I'm wearing them, haha).

I also needed some 'beauty' products. I was really hoping to get some John Freida Frizz Ease, but I didn't want to pay $9 for it. I was lucky enough to get some hand-me-down John Frieda shampoo and conditioner from a friend of a friend who was cleaning out her bathroom. I have super thick, super curly hair that's about halfway down my back, and it's getting out of control. This is the longest I've ever had it, and I love the length, but it's really frizzy and it never does what I want. I keep seeing all these beautiful hairstyles on Pinterst and on blogs, and thinking they look simple, but when I go to actually do them, my hair won't cooperate. 

I ended up getting Fructis Curl Sculpting Cream Gel, and TRESemmé Curl Defining Spray Gel. Together, they cost less than the John Freida stuff. I'm eager to see how they work. I love both Fructis and TRESemmé, so I'm hoping they're what I need. I also finally got a new compact - I have super shiny skin (it's a pain, no matter what facial wash or moisturizer I use, I can't get rid of the shine), so I'm glad to have that before next weekend when we'll be taking lots of pics. I also got some Bonnbell tinted lip gloss at the dollar store - I have really pale lips, and I think actual lipstick looks strange on me, so this was a good compromise...plus it was a dollar, you can't beat that!

My last fun find was a cute little Moulin Rouge notebook, also at the dollar store. I joined the DayZero Project, and started a 101 in 1001 list, and I wanted to have a journal to keep track of my goals and progress. As a writer, I've always been a fiend for notebooks - I have dozens of them, but I thought I should have a separate one for goals. 

And finally, on Saturday afternoon, I thought it was time for a self portrait after my little adventures into the 'normal world'. This is me:

I've been experimenting with braids. They're about the only thing I can do with my hair, but hopefully that'll change with my new hair products! I actually had a girl compliment me on my side braid on Friday. :-)

I have a million and one things to do over the next two days, but I might go shopping again, because I really do need a new bra, and I'm still hoping for a new shirt for the bridal shower. Plus, I got one gift for the shower, but I need something else. I was supposed to go shopping with another childhood friend who's my date to the shower and wedding, but I think she's forgotten about me, so I'm on my own for now!

Have you tried any of the products I mention in this post? Did you have any fun finds this weekend?